I Can't Shake You
by sunsetwarbler18
Summary: Five years has passed, and Jackie and Catherine live different lives. Never far from each other's thoughts, it is no surprise they willingly connect when Catherine passes through L.A. Their passion is unavoidable and it comes at a high cost.
1. Chapter 1

Well I noticed there wasn't much Bloomington fan-fiction online. So I decided to write a kick-ass story to satisfy all those viewers who were displeased with the film's ending. Things might get steamy later… so if that offends you, you might want to stop reading here. Let's be honest, I know you won't ;)

Five years had past since Catherine was let go from Bloomington college, and though it was painful on so many levels, it offered Catherine a new start. She immediately packed her bags, dipped into her vast inheritance, and re-located to a small, but luxurious flat in New York. In the months following, she became flooded with new responsibilities: arranging the sale of her mansion in Bloomington, re-connecting with old academic contacts, and exploring the large and vibrant city. She never expected to make such a drastic change, but she thanked herself later for it, considering that staying in Bloomington might have thrown her into a deep depression. She was a woman on the move, and considered herself a survivor. She had lost both her parents and still survived, and she subsequently lost a lover, and she would survive that too.

"Lost" was, of course, metaphorical, and often Catherine found herself being reminded of that fact by seeing Jackie's face on magazines and television. Three years had past but Catherine still felt the gentle tug of grief whenever she saw Jackie's smile. What made it worse was that Jackie was so long gone from her life that it was as if she had never existed in the first place. Did she feel the same for me as I did for her, all those years ago? Does she still think of me from time to time? Or have I ceased to exist in her world?

Catherine, walking down fifth avenue with her shopping bags in hand, felt these questions resurface, as they did from time to time. And, like the strong woman she was, she immediately stopped those thoughts and buried them. She supposed if she ever encountered herself in a private psychological consultation she would diagnose herself as "an individual in denial of her repressed feelings for a past lesbian lover."

She almost laughed out loud but thought better of it. She heard distant church chimes marking the turn of one-oclock, and she cursed to herself: she had a meeting with her agent in half an hour and lost track of time shopping. A new outfit for her book release was important, but not as important as actually planning it – and her agent would be pissed if she was late.

"Now Catherine, this is your first book release and you have to be prepared to answer questions from the press. They can be pretty nasty sometimes, especially those New York reporters," John, her agent, said as he leaned back in his office chair.

"My book is about abnormal psychological methods and post-traumatic stress disorder, what could the press possibly say that would throw me off? I am the expert here," she retorted, smirking.

"Well, it's understandable you think that, but let me throw some curve balls at you now, so you can be prepared for them later, yes?"

"Try me."

John straightened up and looked squarely into Catherine's crisp blue eyes. Catherine sensed the man might have enjoyed looking at her more than he let on.

"Ms Catherine, the unfortunate death of your parents was tragic and had likely effected you psychologically. Your book will obviously contribute to scholarly discussions in psychology, but has writing it helped you with your own greif?"

"They won't ask that, John, I'm not a celebrity. I'm a boring psychologist and writer."

"Yeah but you're probably the most attractive psychologist and writer they've ever seen. You have to be ready for these questions, Catherine, just in case. And it's my job to make sure you do."

Catherine raised her eyebrows in speculation. "Fine, I'll think of an answer later. What else you got?"

"Ms Catherine, you have tainted past of conflicts in your professional career. You have previously lost a professor position on the grounds of lewd relationships with your students. Do you –"

"Stop there, John. I highly doubt they are going to say anything like that," Catherine raised her hand and narrowed her eyes. She was growing irritable.

"But Catherine, they might, listen to what I am telling you –"

"Then I'll pass the question and move to the next one."

"Passing a question is still a decision. It can be made to look like you're hiding something. It's bad PR!"

"Then I'll tell them that my book has nothing to do with my past as a teacher, it has everything to do with the hard work and quality research I have done."

John sighed and tapped his pen on the desk, shaking his head. He seemed to be forming words in his head. Catherine thought he looked pretty ugly in that moment. Unattractive and slow.

"Catherine, I understand your frustration with me asking you these questions. At the end of the day, you can do whatever you want, despite my warnings. What I need you to take away from this is that the press can be vicious, and they will take any story and try to spin it into a new one. And with regards to Jacqueline Kirk –"

"What about Jacqueline Kirk?" She interrupted sharply, feeling most of her patience leaving her instantly. Why is Jackie following her everywhere? Always in her thoughts, but now in this office? In the open?

"We both know that there are photos of you and Jacqueline Kirk. You might be ignoring the news and online blogs, but those photos have resurfaced as a result of her fame. Nothing else has come of it, and that was years ago, but don't think the press have forgotten. They might ask about them. I mean, heck, they might even ask if you're a lesbian!"

"I think we're done here, John." Catherine stood and began putting her notes in her bag.

"Fine. Just think about what I said. Remember, in the press release you need to talk about your upcoming talks in Washington, Chicago, and LA. Your LA one is first so you need to be ready."

"Yup. In eleven days, I know." She was putting on her jacket and moving towards the door.

"Oh and Catherine?"

Hand on the door, posture upright and irritated expression, she looked puzzlingly at John.

"There's a party tonight, at a friends place on the upper-east side. Good people, good food, good wine. Why not come with me? It'll be good for you. You might meet a nice guy or something, you know, someone to miss while you're gone traveling." John smiled and opened his arms.

Her hand tightened on the doorframe. "Parties aren't my thing, you know that. And I'm not interested in meeting any _guy_. I'm no longer interested in meeting a nice _guy_. Is that a clear enough answer for you John?"

With that, she closed the door behind her, not waiting for an answer.

Next chapter will be from Jackie's POV in L.A… will she go unscathed by Catherine's presence in L.A as she promotes her book? You probably already know the answer! If you want to hear more, please comment and/or favorite!


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Hey! Here's anouther chapter, this time from Jackie's POV. Happy reading!

Man, those cameras were bright!

It took everything in Jackie not to begin squinting her eyes and turning away as the hundreds of pictures were taken. Her PR team would lose it if she did.

She was walking (more like shuffling) down the red carpet at her new film opening gala, wearing the tightest tube dress she had ever worn in her life. She remembered trying it on a month ago, standing uncomfortably in front of a mirror with her agent Maria at her side, wondering how she would even be able to breath in it. Maria had squealed in delight seeing Jackie all dolled up.

Jackie remembered looking at her reflection and agreeing with Maria, but she somberly likened the dress she wore with a beautiful mask made to hide a monster.

She knew she was being over dramatic, but to the paparazzi, lesbianism in a celebrity actress needed to be exposed. Like ripping off a mask without asking. She couldn't let it happen – she was no Ellen, she was no Chelly Wright. She just wanted to be left alone.

So she went along with what everyone expected of her – she talked about how cute some boys were with reporters, stayed away from any gay clubs and bars, and squeezed into tiny dresses that made her indistinguishable from any other Hollywood actress. Looking at herself in the mirror, she knew she could get any guy she wanted: over the years she had lost the fat in her cheeks and toned into a gorgeous woman (from what people have told her, anyways). The problem was that she didn't want a man to complete her. The idea repulsed her.

"Honey, honey," Maria would begin to sound Spanish (and she was, but very Americanized) when she was frustrated with Jackie. "You need to take a handsome _man_ as your date. Not any of these pretty band boys. You are a A-Lister now! Why don't you take your co-star? He's single you know."

Jackie would cover her eyes are sigh whenever she heard this – and it happened often. In truth, Jackie was only interested in doing her job on set, not any of the extra stuff. The dates, the interviews, the galas, the openings, the cameras, the dresses – she knew her other colleagues loved the attention, but really, she could care less.

So for the opening of her most recent film, starring herself and another notable actor, she chose to go single so she could dutifully struggle all by herself in her terrible get-up.

It was long. It was stuffy. By the end of the night, after the speeches, her shoes were off and she was joking around with some of the behind-the-scenes guys. She had a few drinks and for a while forgot about the big and dreaded "L" word.

"Remember when Gavin tried to lecture you on the psychology of acting and you put him right in his place? Poor guy had no idea who he was up against!" Her good friend Gavin laughed as he swallowed the last of his beer. He did most of the lighting for the entire film, and Jackie was happy to have him around.

"But seriously though, my friend, you were amazing in _A Story About a Girl_. The film just wouldn't have been as good without you in it." He grinned dopily.

"Aw thanks man, but it wasn't just all me, you know. You are being too nice."

"Nonsense," he reached over and grabbed a bottle of champagne to fill the empty glass in front of him. He cleared his throat. "So Jackie, I hear you are taking some time off until your next project, is that true?"

"It is. Where did you hear that from, the tabloids?"

He laughed. Another sip. "No… you see a little birdie told me. I think her name is Maria?"

"Oh gosh! What did she say to you?"

"Don't freak out! It was just a little innocent small-talk."

"What did she say?"

"Oh nothing important, just that you'd be taking some much-deserved time off, finally," he grinned and carefully emphasized the word "finally."

She raised an eyebrow and prompted him to continue (she noticed he was slurring a bit now): "Well you see, Maria made a great suggestion to me, Jackie. She suggested that I should take you out to do something fun on the town, you know, to help you unwind!"

Jackie sighed and crossed her arms, knowing immediately where this conversation was going.

"Hey now, don't look at me like that, hear me out first," he began to pour her a glass of champagne, and she didn't stop him. "I know you well enough now I think, and I know that you would probably hate the whole 'dinner-and-a-movie' thing. So I thought of something else…"

Jackie felt that familiar feeling of discomfort creep at the edges of her mind. She tried to focus on Gavin, but she became hyper aware of the surrounding crowd, and there obliviousness to what was happening to her. No, she was alone right now, just herself and this bearded man who was stuttering out a request for a date.

"You see, there is this wicked life science fair happening downtown Sunday morning. I've had my eye on it for a while, and until Maria mentioned something, I had no one to go with! There will be lot's of cool things to do and see there, don't you think?"

"Geeze, Gavin, I'm not sure…"

"Oh it'll be fun, you'll see. And think about it: Sunday morning at some lame science fair? That means no paparazzi. Easy," he smiled at her genuinely. "Oh pretty please won't you go with me?"

It might have been the champagne that numbed her ability to thwart off men, and turned her into aversion into apathy, but a part of her knew that she _should_ go out on a date. She _should_ do something normal, for once, even if secretly she didn't care to. In fact, if the paparazzi saw her going out with a guy that might just be a good thing. Keeping up the charade.

She breathed in. "Alright Gavin, I'll go with you."

He clapped his hands together in celebration, and silently, Jackie celebrated the conclusion of the tense moment.

Later that night, Jackie dreamed about having sex with her old lover, Catherine. Sometimes her sexual dream rendezvous would be with nameless women, beautiful faces that she could get lost in and at the same time not see clearly. But this time Catherine's face was clear as she mounted atop of Jackie's body, and she could feel her own raw nakedness and vulnerability. She couldn't recall all the details, just the feelings of desire coupled with an inability to control herself. And a rhythm. A slow, rocking rhythm that made her hotter and hotter. Catherine's essence washed over her, atop her, inside her.

Jackie awoke clutching the bed sheets, and cried out in both pleasure and frustration. It took a few seconds to realize that she was all alone.

The clock read 3 am, and the full moon was casting an eerie light across the floor through her bedroom window. Jackie's breathing slowed.

She reached out to the space on the bed beside her, feeling its emptiness. She wondered for how long she could go on like this – and before she could think of an answer, she was drifting back into a restless sleep.

Like it? Hate it? Want more? Comment!


	3. Chapter 3

****** Here's the next installment, happy reading!

CHAPTER 3

"Rough night last night?" Jackie asked, leaning inside Gavin's car window. She couldn't help to notice his posture: flopped over the wheel in a resting position, which was unlikely behavior for anyone waiting to pick someone else up. His head snapped up in surprise.

"What? Oh no. Of course not. I won't do that," he unlocked the doors, "Come on, jump in!"

"Yeah sure," she chuckled.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning in L.A; the humidity had ebbed and the sun was just peaking over the palm trees. They pulled out of the gates (Jackie valued her security), and saw the quintessential morning joggers and dog-walkers roaming the neighborhood. Jackie breathed in the dewy air through the open window: she loved mornings.

"Wow, this is some neighborhood you live in." Gavin said off-handedly. They were driving by one hidden mansion after another.

Twenty minutes later, after weaving through the typical weekend traffic, they arrived at where the life science convention would take place downtown. Jackie was excited to get her inner-nerd on – she had to admit that Gavin thought of a great date idea. Even if the date ended up not going the way he wanted it (and she knew it wouldn't), than at least they could say they had a fun time.

"I read in the news that this was happening all weekend and I thought it might be really fun," Gavin said to her as they both climbed out of the parked car. "And I know that you took science at your old college, er, what was it called again?"

"Bloomington," she answered. It took only a second for the word to call up memories. More like a flash of feelings with no images to match; she was quick to suppress them.

"Yeah, Bloomington, that's it. Anyways, there's gonna be over a hundred booths here from different institutions, with cool inventions I think."

"Neat! Let's go!"

They spent the rest of the morning exploring the convention center and the elaborate layout of booths. There were so many live demonstrations to see: the coolest ones being robots and chemistry experiments (in Jackie's opinion, anyways). Many notable colleges were represented, along with some wealthy companies showing off their new discoveries. By the time one o'clock came, Jackie was exhausted.

"Should we ditch this show and get some lunch?" Gavin asked her as they walked towards the exist.

"Yeah, for sure."

She heard an applause erupt from inside a room, and Jackie curiously looked towards it: it was an small auditorium attached to the convention center where guest speakers discussed a chosen topic. She was not so interested in seeing one of those (she never even looked at the speaker schedule), but she just happened to now look at the current posted information by the auditorium entrance:

12:45pm to 1:30pm – "TREATING POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS

DISORDER IN UNCONVENTIONAL WAYS."

SPEAKER: CATHERINE STARK, MD.

Jackie did a double take and read the sign over again. Then a triple-take, then a forth. She almost choked when the realization hit her.

_SPEAKER: CATHERINE STARK, MD. _

No… it couldn't be. Not her.

Could it be possible there were two Catherine Starks in the medical field? Two Catherine Starks that studied abnormal psychology, and that the one Jackie didn't know was actually speaking in that auditorium?

Jackie already knew the answer. No. It was her.

"Hey, are you okay?" Gavin said behind her, and she realized she had stopped dead in her tracks. He moved to her side, "you seem pretty focused on that room there. Wanna go check it out?"

No, I don't, Jackie thought. I do and I don't. I don't want to check out the room because I don't want to see her face again… but I do want to go in because, just maybe, I need to see her again. To know that she actually existed in my life. To know that what I felt five years ago with her was actually real, and not a dream.

Her heart was pounded. She was afraid she'd sound out of breath.

"Jackie?"

She blinked. "Er yes, Gavin, Sorry."

He looked at her with confusion.

"Yes, I mean, I'd like to go check it out," Jackie grabbed his arm and moved through the doors.

He didn't have a chance to respond, because suddenly they were in a very quiet, medium-sized auditorium. Many of the seats were empty so they could quickly slip into the back row unnoticed. The room was dark and cool, and in the corner of her eye she could see that there was a digital presentation going on at the front. Jackie sat down with Gavin but didn't relax: she kept her posture straight and her chin up, searching past the other listening people.

It didn't take long to spot her; although it had been five years since she last saw her, Jackie thought Catherine didn't look like she aged a day. Her blonde hair was pulled back as usual from her eyes and she wore an extremely flattering beige power suit. As usual Catherine sauntered around the stage like she owned it, and she really did, because Jackie couldn't think of anyone who could ignore such a beautiful, demanding, and powerful woman.

My God, she is so sexy, Jackie was thinking. And: oh my God, I can't believe I'm in the same room as her right now.

Gavin leaned over to her and whispered in her ear: "Sorry, but do you understand anything she is saying? We're like at the end of the presentation."

Without her eyes leaving Catherine, Jackie whispered back: "Sort of."

That was a lie. She wasn't really listening to anything Catherine was saying: just the smooth, velvety sound of her voice. She sensed Gavin wasn't satisfied with her answer.

"Well, not really. But she used to be a professor of mine, in Bloomington. I was friends with her." Another lie.

"Oh I see," he nodded his head. "That's pretty neat that she's here at this convention too. You should go talk to her after."

The presentation didn't go on for too much longer and Catherine finished up by talking a bit about her new book. Meanwhile Jackie sat still in her seat, still following her with her unfaltering gaze, and still in shock that fate intertwined their paths once more. Her heart was pounding.

The MC, a short older man with a nasally voice, thanked Catherine and shook her hand as the crowd applauded.

"Thank you Ms. Stark for sharing your research and ideas with us today. If anyone would like to purchase her new book, Ms. Stark will be doing free signings at our 'Speakers Booth' in the outside hallway. We have now a short time for some quick questions – anyone?" He moved his head, looking around. "Yes, you in the back."

Oh no. The man sitting one seat in front and to the left had his hand up. She's going to see me, Jackie thought franticly. She had a crazy idea run through her head that she should duck behind the seats.

But she didn't. And Catherine saw her. Not right away, but definitely within a few seconds of listening to the man sitting in front of Jackie. Their eyes met, and a bolt of electricity shot through Jackie and sizzled right to her toes. She wanted to look away, avert her eyes, but she just couldn't, and so she just sat there motionless.

Catherine, being as cool as she was, held Jackie's gaze for a second too long and then proceeded to smoothly answer the man's question without faltering. The corners of her lips had turned up into a smug look. Jackie was hoping she perhaps didn't recognize her, but she definitely did, since she looked back and met her gaze several more times in the remaining ten minutes of the question period.

"So are you going to go say hi?" Gavin asked her as they left the auditorium. People were shuffling out behind them, talking amongst themselves. She could tell some of those people looked at her extra long, most likely recognizing her. She couldn't stay there too much longer.

Jackie, however, couldn't deny the inexplicable pull that tugged her toward Catherine. It happened before at Bloomington, and it was happening again. It made her knees weak to think of what something like this could lead to.

Then again, it could go horribly wrong. They never really did part on the best of terms. What if Catherine dismissed her? Coolly brushed her off?

What did she really want? Jackie didn't know. She was being driven by some primal urge at this point.

So yes, she was going engage with Catherine again.

"Um, yeah, I'm just going to go say hi to her real quick," Jackie smiled. "You can wait hear if you'd like, I'll be only a couple of minutes."

Her heart was beating. Her palms were beginning to sweat. She had to wipe them when she was bought Catherine's book from the vender outside the 'Speaker's Booth.' She approached the table, getting in a line with about four people in front of her.

Before she had a chance to chicken out, Catherine made eye contact with her and smiled. Like before, it made her shiver, and she couldn't help but to smile back excitedly.

"It's a surprise to see you here, Jackie, I didn't think you were into these kind of events anymore." Catherine said bluntly – still with a smirk on her face - as Jackie stepped in front of her. God, she was a beautiful woman.

"Sure I am," she responded. "It's nice to see you again, and congratulations on your book."

"Thanks, this is my first stop then I have to go to Chicago, to do this thing all over again," she sighed. "But I still have a few days to enjoy the L.A sun, at least. Do you want me to sign that book?"

Jackie handed it over, strangely happy to abide by Catherine's requests. Then she thought: wait a minute, she said she'd be staying in L.A over the next few days… is Catherine dropping the hint that they should get together? She knew Catherine could be quite cryptic, and most of the time Jackie could never decode her desires.

Regardless, Jackie knew deep down what she wanted. If she said nothing, and never suggested anything, Catherine would walk right out of her life just as she had done to her five years ago. She wanted to talk with Catherine more; she wanted to soak her in. Beyond that she had no clue what she wanted, and time moved much quicker than her perplexed thoughts.

Just do it.

"Er, well did you want to do something?" She blurted out. Nope. Bad start. She could feel blood rushing to her cheeks. "I mean, since you're only going to be in L.A for a few days, why not have me show you around? I am a local."

There was an awkward pause between them and Catherine stopped writing in the book, but remained in a frozen pose, thinking. It felt like an eternity. Then, with continued sophistication, she resumed writing and opened her full lips.

"That's a very generous offer, Jackie, but I can easily show myself around L.A," she paused. "plus I wouldn't want to pull you away from your busy work schedule, and I wouldn't want to make you do anything you don't want to do."

Wait, was she talking about meeting up, or something else?

"But perhaps we can schedule something, in the future, at your convenience," she handed the close book back to her, with another smile. A true professional. "Thanks for coming out today, Jackie, and giving me your support."

Jackie swallowed and nodded, turning away quickly. She could feel the heat in her cheeks and scolded herself for becoming so transparent. When she really needed her strength and confidence the most, Catherine still easily undid her, like an easy tug at a shoelace.

She took a few steps away, far enough to disappear in the crowd of people. She then opened the book and looked at the inside page. First her signature, and then:

"THINKING OF RELAPSING? 777-857-1047"

Jackie snapped the book shut, washed in waves of conflicting emotions.

**** Like it? Hate it? Comment!


	4. Chapter 4

Hey folks! I recently moved so I wasn't able to post this chapter as quick as I wanted to. More will come sooner, now that I'm all settled in! Also, thanks to those of you who left lovely comments :)

…..

CHAPTER 4

Back in her hotel, Catherine sat at her desk, quietly mulling over the day's events. She pushed off her glossy heals and unpinned her hair, sighing. She unconsciously grabbed the complimentary pen in front of her and tapped it on the wood surface of the desk.

She wondered if Jackie would actually call.

Furthermore, she wondered what the heck she herself was thinking. Spending the last five years continuously pushing the girl out of her mind, and constantly resenting seeing her face on posters and tabloids – never mind her deep regret for getting involved with her all those years ago – why had she completely cracked when Jackie approached her?

She knew she was unprepared for Jackie's forwardness at the convention. Five years ago, when the awkward girl demanded her attention in the hallways of Bloomington, she felt the same feelings of being caught off-guard. And the same feeling of intrigue.

She considered the differences between five years ago and now: in Bloomington she had the time then to 'settle' with Jackie, to get comfortable, but now there was no time. Catherine was leaving in three days.

No time to get comfortable again.

Another difference: Jackie had lost her vaguely childlike features, and had slimmed into a gorgeous woman. She was much more beautiful in person than the images Catherine saw in the media.

Jackie was absolutely and undeniably sexy.

Catherine stopped tapping her pen on the desk and leaned back in her chair, sighing. She thought of the last time she had sex, which was far enough in the past than she was willing to admit. She needed to get laid, and she wondered if Jackie was thinking the same thing.

But was it really the right thing to do?

Before she could contemplate the issue further, her cell began to buzz in her pocket. Looking at the clock, she saw it read eight o'clock – definitely too late for her manager to be calling. Catherine pulled the phone out and confirmed her suspicion; it was a local California number.

"Hello?"

A brief silence. Catherine thought she heard a sigh.

"Hello –"

"Hey, sorry. It's me Jackie."

"Hey Porcupine," Catherine smiled and brushed back her blonde hair, suddenly feeling elated. "Wasn't sure if you were going to call or not."

A smile was shining through Jackie's voice: "Yeah, well I did. It was really good to see you there at the show."

"Are you surprised I still had a career after Bloomington?" Catherine laughed, only half kidding.

"What? No, that's not what I meant. I mean it was actually nice seeing you, it's been a really long time."

"It has. Did you miss me?"

A silence. Jackie was not one to blubber at direct questions, even if it was Catherine who asked them in her intimidating way.

"Yes. I did."

"But you never called."

"Well neither did you," she was quick to retort back. "Plus, wasn't I the one to call you just now?"

Catherine laughed in amusement. "Yes, alright, you're right."

"What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Hmm, tomorrow?" Catherine leaned back, the corners of her mouth turned up in a smirk. "Tomorrow I'm busy."

"You're busy tomorrow," Jackie sounded confused.

"I am."

"I thought you said you were going to be in L.A for a few days."

"I am. But I didn't say I was free, did I?"

Catherine bit her lip in playful amusement. Silence of the other end of the line. Was Jackie disappointed? Or was she just waiting for Catherine to admit that she was joking?

"But… I think I could free up some time for you, " Catherine finally said with a tone of humor. "In between all of my necessary human feedings of course."

Another laugh through the phone. "Of course, you are a vampire after all. So whatever time is safe for you."

Catherine was pleased she was playing along. Then again, she always did, unlike some others who would confuse her humor with cruelty.

Another silence came between them, though this time not a silence rooted from uncertainty or confusion. It was a bit heavier, and although no dialogue was uttered, it contained within it bits and pieces of what should be said, or what was never said before. Catherine thought in her mind of a plump sac or balloon full of water, growing bigger every second, threatening to burst.

Jackie was the first to stop the filling of the bubble, but she wasn't the one holding the pin.

"Well, I'll text you my address. Why don't you come in the morning? I'll show you around, then we'll go do something fun."

"Alright. That sounds good to me."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow then."

"Okay Jackie, have a good night –"

" – you too Catherine. Bye."

Silence. Catherine clenched her fist. She was the one holding the pin after all.

"Wait, Porcupine," she put the same hand on her forehead. "I just wanted you to know I missed you too. I really did."

She didn't wait for a response; she pressed "end call" a second after, keeping her head lowered and against her palm.

Such a disruption in emotions came so rarely that Catherine felt extremely uneasy. It was like taking a shovel and digging up memories she declared as dead a long time ago. At the beginning of their phone conversation Catherine was excited and confident, wanting to set up a brief sexual encounter. No expectations, no strings attached.

But now she was unsure. Nervous, even.

The burden of holding the pin rested with her all night and in her dreams. She had a hard time sleeping, and in the morning she awoke from a terrible nightmare. In it she was piloting a plane, doomed to crash. The passengers were screaming in distress, telling her to save them, but she couldn't: the wheel was pure stone, unmovable to her frantic wrenching. Somewhere behind her she thought she heard the voices of her mother, father, and brother.

She awoke drenched in sweat, gasping. Was it really them? Their voices?

But all of these feelings, layered and writhing, dissipated when Catherine saw her face the next morning. Jackie was standing and waving enthusiastically at the top of the driveway as she pulled past the gates with her rental car.

Catherine stopped the car and pulled out the keys, sitting still for a moment watching Jackie's smile.

"Well, come on," she beamed, holding a dishtowel in her hand. "We've got a big day ahead of us, no time to waste!"

Catherine smiled, shaking her head in amusement. The beautiful woman, no longer a girl, walked over and opened the door for her, pulling her into a friendly embrace. Jackie's hair was longer fuller, and smelled faintly of flowers. The California sun was warm against their skins.

And everything was comfortable again. No, better than comfortable.

Wonderful.

….

Like it? Have suggestions on where the plot should go? Leave a comment! I love comments!


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry for the delay! I just recently moved and it was World Pride in Toronto this past weekend so I had to attend that. Don't think I forgot about this story though!

Chapter 5

"Here you go," Jackie placed the warm cup of coffee in front of Catherine and smiled. She felt quite giddy, and absolved of any anxieties she had before.

"Thanks," Catherine smiled back, then turned, looking around kitchen. "I gotta admit Saturn, this kitchen is huge, even for you. Do you have this place all to yourself?"

Jackie turned back to the counter, finishing up putting some snacks in a bag. "Well I wanted to keep my flat downtown but my manager said that real celebrities have houses in the hills. It's all about keeping the image I guess." She then turned around, eyeing Catherine. "And what do you mean by 'it's a big kitchen, even for you?'"

"Well you never struck me as someone with culinary expertise," Catherine let that last word run slowly off her tongue, which she did often when she was teasing Jackie.

She huffed in response and eyed Catherine, sitting pert on the kitchen barstool, her posture confident. That was the thing about Catherine, Jackie remembered, the almost perfect maintenance of a vision of strength: an illusion that everyone but Jackie seemed to believe.

But as usual, Catherine's sarcastic face dissolved into one of concern, and she tilted her head to the right.

"Are you okay?"

Sure, Jackie thought, other than the fact I'm on a one-track path towards sleeping with my ex; who, by the way, is a woman.

"Yup!" Jackie said, smiling. "Are you?"

Catherine narrowed her eyes. "I think so."

"Well good then," Jackie put her hands out on the table in between them. "Because I'm about to make up for my culinary expertise by taking you on a day-long adventure!"

Catherine laughed. "Okay."

"Bring that coffee with you," Jackie walked around the table and grabbed Catherine's hand. Catherine gave a look of concern.

"This isn't going to involve a plane, is it?" she asked, not letting go of Jackie's hand.

"No, but…" Jackie leaned in close to Catherine, purposely teasing her. Jackie could smell the faint perfume on her neck. "If you're naughty I might change my mind."

And with that, Jackie leaned away and let go of Catherine's hand. She gave her a quick and innocent smile, then turned and walked towards the front door.

When she didn't hear table legs scraping on the floor behind her, she looked back at Catherine, who was still sitting, looking perplexed.

"Coming?"

Catherine sighed and began standing up, smiling. "Yes, of course I am Porcupine."

Jackie drove them both up to Santa Monica for the day in her silver convertible, the top down, the wind billowing by their faces. It was a gorgeous day, and Jackie took particular care to drive up the coastline, giving Catherine the best view of the ocean possible. They were quiet most of the drive, listening to classic rock and simply enjoying each other's physical presence. Jackie couldn't help to sneak glances at Catherine, marveling at her beauty, whenever she could take her eyes off the wheel.

They spent the morning and afternoon exploring the coast on foot, on a few secluded beaches just outside of town. Catherine explained to Jackie the projects she had been working on, and what her future plans were while still in New York. Jackie told her a bit about her last film, but not too much, considering her life seemed to be available for public viewing nowadays anyway.

But Catherine never pried, never asked about the celebrities she's worked with or directors she's met. Never asked any personal questions unless Jackie offered her the opportunity for her to do so. It was almost as if Catherine didn't even acknowledge her fame.

Which was one of the things Jackie found so alluring. Catherine seemed to look directly into her soul, past the superficialities that Jackie sometimes thought made up her entire being. Catherine saw her as a person and nothing more. She realized that her increased fame had changed nothing between them.

"Come sit with me for a bit? Watch the sunset?" Catherine asked, referring to the long and empty pier that stretched out from where they stood and into the ocean.

She reached out her hand to Jackie. She took it, feeling nervous, and let her guide her down the dock. There was a bench a few feet from the end, which Catherine went to sit on, letting go of her hand. Jackie moved in front of her, sitting down on the ledge itself.

The sat in silence for a bit, watching the sky turn from orange to a deep red.

"Catherine," Jackie asked curiously, "What about your dog, was it Wade? How is he?"

"Oh, him, yeah," Catherine said, very nonchalantly. "He died a while ago."

Jackie was struck by her bluntness, and immediately felt guilty. "Catherine, I'm so sorry! When did it happen?"

"Soon after I moved to New York, the move was hard on him. He was old, you know."

"When did you move to New York?"

"I moved to New York after you left Bloomington," she said flatly. "So about five years ago I guess."

Jackie was silent, her heart sinking. It occurred to her that when she left Bloomington permanently, she had caused a butterfly effect in Catherine's life. Catherine had lost her job, had to relocate, and then lost her only companion.

How could she be so selfish? Jackie searched her memory for what was going through her head at the time, five years ago, when she made this decision. She left to reclaim an acting role that was meant to be hers, and then continue developing her career in LA. But why had she never called Catherine? Why did she not see the effect her decisions had?

Catherine slipped down behind her from the bench and moved in closely behind Jackie. She wrapped her arms around her shoulders, holding her in a gentle and comforting embrace embrace.

"Jackie, I don't want you to beat yourself up about what happened in Bloomington," Catherine sighed, looking forward into the Ocean. "You made a decision, and it was the decision that we both knew you were destined to make."

"I'm sorry Catherine, for what happened to you," Jackie felt her throat tighten. She reached up, holding Catherine's arms and leaning back into her body.

"Getting involved with each other the way we did was a mistake, Jackie. On both our parts," Catherine said softly. "What had happened during the mistake though, well, that in fact was a surprise. I don't think either of us expected to fall in…"

She paused for a moment, rethinking her sentence.

"I don't think either of us expected to feel the way we did."

"No, you're right." Jackie said back.

"So please don't let it get to you," Catherine face turned towards her, and placed a soft kiss on the side of her face. "Plus, you're a different woman now than you were five years ago."

Jackie felt her heart flutter and her body grow warm against Catherine. It had been a long time since she had felt this way.

They sat for a moment, holding each other, watching the sun disappear behind the ocean waves. Jackie had a hard time concentrating on it.

"Well, what do you say," Catherine pulled away finally, much to Jackie's dismay. "That we go out to dinner tonight? Somewhere private? I know a few places downtown that you'd might like."

"Sure," Jackie said, knowing that she would not be able to say no to her.

"Okay then," Catherine stood up behind her and brushed off her jeans. She then reached out for Jackie with both hands. "Come on, Jackie, let me take care of you tonight."

Jackie looked up at Catherine, who was smiling. God, she was so beautiful. She felt intoxicated, although she had drank nothing.

She reached up and took Catherine's hands, once again not thinking of the consequences.

Review my friends! Coax me into writing more!


	6. Chapter 6

Hi Everyone! Sorry about the delay in the posting, but it's been a busy summer for me so far and I've fallen behind on some of my writing. But I haven't forgot! More to come at quicker pace now….

Chapter 6

Catherine had to admit, even to herself, that Jackie's presence was intoxicating. After her heartfelt apology on the pier, Catherine quickly began to remember the vulnerability and softness of Jackie. That hadn't changed at all, although Catherine didn't lie about her observation of Jackie. Something in her blue eyes did change: perhaps it was an increase in maturity, a knowing, or perhaps it was the fact that she was finally owning up to the part that she played in the events several years previous.

Whatever it was, it didn't change the fact that Catherine was overly thrilled to have Jackie sitting beside her on a portside drive in Los Angeles. Too thrilled, in fact.

"What?" Jackie asked playfully, a smile tugging at the sides of her mouth. Being too obvious with her eyes, Catherine didn't care if Jackie caught her checking her out.

"Nothing. Just thinking about how great you look," Catherine said bluntly.

Jackie gave a throaty laugh, not seeming to be nervous anymore. The setting sun shone through the car window behind her, silhouetting her face and kissing the gorgeous angles around her jaw. Her eyes looked at Catherine's for a split second, glinting like a quick flame before glancing away, and Catherine's heart began to flutter.

Yes, taking a long look at Jackie was like downing a double of Johnny Walker Black at the bar rail: both smooth and sharp, and wishing you sipped it after all.

"You're not the first person to have said that to me, you know." Jackie quipped matter-of-factly.

"What, do you have a lot of men tell you that?"

She paused, staring at the road ahead. "No, just all the tabloids."

"You read those? Funny." Catherine teased before continuing. "But you can't tell me that you've had no men fawning over you these past few years. I find that very unlikely."

"No, no, of course there has been. Not many though." Jackie said, squeezing the steering wheel.

"Any serious ones?"

Jackie gave her a quick and sharp look. "No! Are you interrogating me?"

"I'm not being paid to do that, so no. I'm just curious." Catherine smiled, defusing Jackie's concern. "But really? No serious boyfriends, Jackie? Why not?"

Jackie didn't answer, looking straight ahead. The silence confirmed Catherine was hitting a vein. Of course she knew why, but she wanted to hear Jackie say it herself.

A long moment passed. Jackie sighed. The sun behind her was touching the horizon now, threatening to disappear.

"No. No serious boyfriends. I don't like boys, anyways."

Catherine waited.

"I don't like them," she repeated, her voice slightly lower the second time.

"No? Than what about girlfriends? Any of those?"

"No, none of those either."

"So that means you don't like girls either?" Catherine couldn't help herself once again, taking on a flirting tone. "I must say, Jackie, asexuality doesn't seem to suit you in my opinion, but then again I could be a bit biased since I've been in between your legs on more than one occasion."

Jackie's cheeks flushed and she let out a short laugh. Catherine felt her cheeks filling too.

"No, no, that's not it," Jackie breathed, suddenly looking sad. "It's just that I've been really busy the last few years…"

"And?"

"And that I'm not really in a position to be taking on girlfriends right now," Jackie said, emphasizing the word "girlfriend."

Just as Catherine though, Jackie was still as closeted as the day she left Bloomington. A vivid and unasked for memory crossed her mind, recalling when Jackie had ran into her arms, after calling to be rescued from an uncomfortable family dinner. Jackie was in tears. Apparently her mother had hit her. Catherine waited outside the house for Jackie, and when she embraced her, Catherine buried her face in the blonde curls, like she usually did. But looking over her shoulder and back at the house, she couldn't help to notice a receding drape behind a window, where presumably someone had been watching them seconds earlier.

Catherine was never one who cared about what people though of her, or her life choices. But during that moment, while she watched those drapes flutter, Catherine felt both exposed and weak. She hated feeling both those things.

And now, sitting in Jackie's car, she felt utterly miffed.

"Jackie, you're telling me you haven't done anything to further yourself out of the closet over the last five years?"

She must have sounded angry, since Jackie retorted back defensively: "Like I said, I've been really busy with work, Catherine. I'm not really in a position to be dating right now."

"If you're worried about how people will react, then don't. It's the twenty-first century and there are plenty actors who have come out as gay."

Jackie visibly flinched when Catherine said the word "gay," and then proceeded to remain silent. What was she thinking about, behind that exquisite brow?

More importantly, why did Catherine feel so frustrated with her? It was Jackie's decision, after all, if she wanted to come out as gay or not.

She considered this while Jackie elongated the silence. In the recesses of her mind, did Catherine really believe that their romance was going to be rekindled? Revived so passionately that Jackie would willingly jump out of the closet for her? She shuddered at this unwanted thought.

"I just want to be left alone," Jackie murmured, clearly not expecting a response.

And Catherine didn't respond, although she was still fuming. They didn't say anything for a while, dropping the subject.

They turned inland, east towards the city. After a while Catherine began giving her instructions, leading them both to a nice little bar downtown.

Tension between them dissipated by the time they reached their destination.

"I used to go to this place a lot during my undergrad," Catherine said, shutting the car door behind her. "It's a classy place, from what I can remember."

"And exactly how long ago was that?" Jackie teased while walking to meet her on the curb.

Catherine gave her a sharp look, unable to resist smiling.

"Just sayin," Jackie quipped while moving beside her, her smile broadening. She was close enough to smell her light perfume, to see the gentle indentations in Jackie's soft cheeks where her dimples formed. Catherine was swept by an overwhelming urge to kiss them senseless. To kiss them firmly and then make her way down to her bronzed collarbone, then lower still, until Jackie was panting beneath her.

But she didn't, of course.

"You're lucky you're so cute," Catherine reached out and lightly touched the blonde's upper arm. "Or else I'd probably take offence to that."

There was electricity between them. Catherine could feel it crackle in her fingertips during their brief touch. She suspected Jackie felt the same considering how her breath hitched upon contact, or how she enjoyed holding their gazes for a few seconds too long.

Catherine wanted her. She still wanted her, even after all these years. Was she a masochist? Or just horny? Perhaps a combination of the two.

She didn't have time to ponder the subject anymore, since Jackie was a very real reality for her now. She just had to follow her instinct.

She smiled back at Jackie and took the lead, guiding them both into the quaint restaurant, the coming of the night folding them into darkness.

There you go! Review guys!


	7. Chapter 7

Hey guys! I've really appreciated the nice comments you've all left me so far. Here's the next installment! This chapter was so long that I actually had to break it up and create an eighth chapter right away. SO we'll make a deal: you give me some feedback at the end of this chapter, and I'll post the eighth one as soon as reasonably possible! Enjoy!

Chapter 7

The bar lounge was exactly as Catherine described it: small, classy, and private. They took a table near the back, and Jackie didn't waste time deciding on what to eat: she was famished. She pretended not to be, however, in order to remain as poised as possible around Catherine. Catherine had a way of noticing the details.

The young waitress walked over and greeted them. Catherine took charge immediately, placing both their orders and "two glasses of your finest merlot, please."

The waitress nodded and smiled at Catherine, then glanced at Jackie, seeming to do a double take. Jackie had seem this behavior before countless times: people would not recognize her right away, since seeing Jacqueline Kirk in the flesh was always slightly different than the images in magazines. But by the time the waitress made her way into the back kitchen, or maybe even at the bar, she would make the connection as to who the blonde was.

Or perhaps she was just being paranoid and over thinking it too much.

"Jackie?" Catherine asked, looking at her with an unfaltering glance.

"Hm?" Oops, got caught not paying attention.

"I asked you what you thought of the life science fair this past Sunday."

"Oh, right, sorry," she smiled sheepishly.

They chit-chatted for a while, breaking the flow of the conversation occasionally to flirt or tease each other, usually prompted by Catherine. Jackie couldn't believe that this exquisite woman was sitting across from her again, showing her an interest that went beyond friendship. Jackie was both excited and nervous, feeling her heart pound whenever Catherine did something to prompt it: anything from a quick smile or a turn of the face, allowing the candle between them to accent her ageless beauty.

Their dinners came – the catch of the day paired with a tomato quinoa salad – and Jackie greedily finished it all. The wine was an excellent pair with the dish as well. She just hoped it wouldn't stain around her teeth and just colour her lips instead. To make herself more… appetizing.

She realized she wanted Catherine to eat her right up, to devour her without any hesitation. She blushed at the thought. Catherine picked up on it immediately.

"What are you thinking about?" She raised a suggestive eyebrow.

Jackie quickly took another sip of wine. "Oh, nothing. Just how nice this place is, that's all."

"Yeah, it's quite the spot. Their menu has changed, though." Catherine leaned back and looked up, clearly sifting through her memories. "They used to have this awesome Philly steak sandwich. I used to eat it before drinking, and before this place got busy with people."

"It gets busy?"

"It used to anyways. They would clear all the tables and chairs from the center of the floor and turn it into a mini-dance floor," Catherine smiled and leaned in. "It was a great place to pick up chicks."

Jackie looked around and noticed the place had gotten a bit busier since they've arrived. She then noticed, hanging over the bar, was a large rainbow flag tacked to the ceiling. Why hadn't she noticed that before?

Alarm bells began to go off in her head.

"Um, girls?" She said weakly.

Catherine's smirk faded and she gave Jackie a confused look. "Yeah. Girls. I've been doing this for a while now, you know."

Jackie's eyes darted back to the rainbow flag. I've been doing this for a while. Girls. Her eyes darted to the clientele sitting at the tables.

This was a gay bar.

"You took me to a gay bar?" Jackie hissed, squeezing her napkin in between her fingers.

Catherine gave her a blank stare, all humor gone. "Jackie, do you not know what part of Los Angeles this is?"

"Answer the question!"

"God, Jackie, relax. It used to be, a long time ago. Now it's clearly a restaurant," Catherine said sharply with irritation in her tone.

Jackie's internal panic did not subside, and she had the crazy idea to jump out of her seat and sprint to the door. She'd worked do hard to keep her image crisp and clean, and now – my God! – if anyone saw her there… what would they think?

"Here's your bill, ladies. Let me know if you need change," the waitress was suddenly beside their table, dropping off a black bill book. She must have sensed the silent tension between them, since she quickly departed back to the bar.

Jackie watched her saunter back and leaned over to the bar tender, seeming to share a quiet secret to him with a smile on her face. The bartender, a young guy with a tattoo creeping up his neck, smiled back at her and then – to her horror – glanced over and met Jackie's eyes. He knew.

She looked around the now busy restaurant. A shorthaired woman in the middle of a conversation was simultaneously looking at her. The person who she was talking to, presumably another lesbian, twisted her torso and looked towards Jackie as well.

Oh my God! They knew too!

"We need to go," Jackie turned back to Catherine, who was already putting her wallet away in her purse. She had lain down a wad of bills, paying for them both and leaving the waitress a generous tip. But wait; didn't people on dates get one bill and not two? What if the waitress thought they were on a date?

Were they?

"Yes, I can see that," Catherine said flatly, her annoyance dripping from her words. She stood up abruptly, throwing her purse around her shoulder.

It all seemed to happen in slow motion. Jackie followed Catherine out of the restaurant, glued to her heels, afraid that she would crack and sprint past her and through the door. Later, after she thought long and hard about the events to pass, she was glad she didn't run like a madwoman through that door.

Because when they stepped across the threshold of the door, into the humidity (there must be a storm coming), Jackie heard the rapid click of a camera. Two, actually. It was the paparazzi. The good old paps waiting on the curb.

"Jackie! Over here!" One guy yelled, faceless behind his bulky machinery. The flashes were too bright, and too unexpected. Her eyes were wide with shock.

"Jackie, who is this pretty lady you're with? Is she your girlfriend?"

No! This can't be happening!

A hand clasped over her upper arm, pulling her. Jackie almost screamed.

"Let's go," Catherine said sternly, ignoring the flashes and the men speaking to them. She dragged Jackie towards the car, which thankfully, was close.

"Let go of me," Jackie shook Catherine's grip off and wrapped her arms around herself.

"Give me your keys. And get in the car," Catherine had her hand out, clearly angry.

She fished into her pocket and followed Catherine's orders. The cameras were still flashing, and the men were still calling her name, their voices echoing off the building walls. She quickly ducked into the passenger's side of her own vehicle, slamming the door.

…

There we go! Don't forget to comment/follow/favorite!


	8. Chapter 8

Hi everyone! Here's Chapter 8! And you're going to like this one, I promise!

Chapter 8

They sat in silence for what seemed like a long time after Catherine had jetted out of their parking space. Her car was standard, but Catherine drove with ease; it was not something Jackie was used to seeing. In fact, she was in shock over the events that had unfolded. She didn't what to say to Catherine, but she knew she had to say something.

I'm sorry, Catherine? I swear, I was really having a good time? Will you stay the night with me?

"I could have driven, you know," was what actually came out of her mouth. It's funny how you so badly want to say the right thing to someone you care for, but then when you actually find your voice, something terrible comes out of it.

Catherine squeezed the steering wheel. "No you couldn't have. You were panicking. Look, it's starting to rain and the roads are slick. You would have probably gotten into an accident and hurt the both of us."

Jackie winced. Maybe she was right. That would make an interesting morning paper headline wouldn't it? "Jacqueline Kirk and lesbian lover in hospital after car crash!"

"Oh gosh," Jackie muttered and covered her face with her hands. "I can't believe that just happened."

"What? Being swarmed by cameramen? Or is this about being seen with me?" Catherine said with a harsh tone. "Of course that's what it is, I don't even know why I'm asking that question."

"Catherine, you don't understand how hard I've worked to keep my image clean. I – I've been so careful not to make mistakes –"

"Mistakes? Is that what you thought our dinner was? A mistake? Or was your mistake making the decision going out with me?"

"No, Catherine –"

"Well I don't know about you, but I'm starting to think that this whole thing was a mistake."

Jackie's heart dropped. A dull ache filled her chest, and she felt her throat tightened. She feared that if she said another word, she would burst into tears.

Catherine must have sensed that, since upon turning to look at her and opening her mouth, presumably to saw something nasty, she shut it and turned back to the road.

They drove back not saying anything to each other. Rain started to pelt against the windows, distracting Jackie briefly with it's soothing sound. Eventually they pulled into the foot of the driveway, and Jackie had to lean over and press the remote control to open the gates. Her distraction caused her to forget to close the gates behind them, a decision she would regret later.

"Listen Jackie," Catherine started as she stopped the car beside her own rental, exhaling a deep breath. "I realize that you're under a lot of pressure to maintain a certain image. And I understand that being gay and open about it might permanently change how people see you. But at what point do you sacrifice your own happiness for all of this? At what point does it stop being worth it?"

She undid her seatbelt and reached over and touched Jackie's arm in a sympathetic gesture.

"You have changed over the last few years. Good change. And bad change too. What happened to the bold young girl who sought out what she wanted? I'll never forget the first time you walked into my office at Bloomington. That's the part of you I miss; the one who isn't afraid to act on her feelings."

She nodded, saying nothing. Catherine was right. She lowered her hand from her arm, and Jackie wished it were still there.

"I had a great time earlier today, so thank you so much for that," Catherine smiled. "I have to go now."

And that was that. No goodbye, no promise for future visits. No "I'll call you later." Just "I have to go now."

Catherine opened the door and left the car. Jackie's heart was pounding all of a sudden. This beautiful woman was walking out of her life, and she was just sitting there, stagnant in her own self-pity. Catherine was right, she was sacrificing her happiness for privacy and solitude, and she knew deep in her heart she couldn't continue to live this way forever.

Her mind screamed: so do something about it!

"Catherine wait!" She opened the door and clamored out. Rain immediately began to hit her face, blurring her eyes momentarily. Catherine was unlocking her car but stopped to regard Jackie.

"You know, I was really afraid to walk into your office the first time. Like really, really scared," she said quickly and breathlessly. "And I'm scared now. But I really need to do something."

She moved close to Catherine and, without hesitation, kissed her before she could protest. It was quick and Jackie could tell she was surprised.

Jackie pulled back, but only a few inches, to gage her reaction. Catherine looked at her lips and then back to her eyes.

"I liked that."

"Me too."

Catherine gave a little smile and laced her fingers in Jackie's hair, pulling her face in. This time the kiss was slower, longer, and very familiar. Their tongues met each other and Jackie felt a rush of heat warm her core and trickled lower. She placed her hands on Catherine's sides, suddenly greedy for more contact.

Oh my god, this is amazing.

The kiss deepened and Jackie started to breathe harder, her lips and where Catherine was touching her burning her skin. Oh my god, I don't want to stop.

But they had to stop. Abruptly, in fact.

Headlights swept across the both of their bodies, and the sound of tires on wet pavement snapped Jackie out of her blissful lip lock. A car had driven past the open gates and up to where they stood.

It was Gavin's car. It stopped, and although Jackie couldn't see his face behind the soaked windshield, she knew what it was of: shock. Jackie let go of Catherine in defeat, staring at the car for a moment.

Then it quickly began to reverse back down from where it came from.

"Wait, Gavin!" Jackie shouted, running towards the car. She didn't run long because the vehicle didn't stop, and quickly out ran her.

Jackie stopped and let her shoulder's sink in defeat. She wrapped her arms around her and realized she was shivering.

She couldn't avoid the feeling that things were falling apart.

…..

Well, what did you think? That was the first time in a while I've written a kiss scene. Did you like it? Let me know! More to come soon, I promise!


	9. Chapter 9

The drama continues in this next installment! Happy reading!

…

Chapter 9

Tuesday night Catherine reluctantly caught her flight to Chicago, leaving the LA sun behind. Jackie had called her twice, but Catherine let both calls go straight to voicemail. She didn't call again after that.

She went through the motions of promoting her book at the conventions center, spending longer days networking with medical professionals and discussing future research. Only when she arrived in Washington, five days later, did she begin to think about what happened in LA between her and Jackie.

It was a warm day and she took advantage by taking a walk through the Constitutions Gardens, then making her way towards the Lincoln memorial. She wondered how many people in the past, just like her, made the same walk to the daunting memorial with their troubled thoughts.

It's sheer size made her feel very small.

She hadn't bothered to check to see if pictures of her and Jackie had surfaced online during the past few days. It wouldn't help anyone except further her anger.

The kiss they had shared was wonderful. Catherine reached up and touched her lips, trying to remember the heat that Jackie had elicited from her. Their chemistry was certainly undeniable.

With Jackie, however, there always came pain.

She thought of the moment Gavin (aka the pseudo boyfriend, according to Jackie), saw them kissing in the pouring rain. Jackie was crushed, unable to notice Catherine's unvoiced pain – she had lied to her, after all. She did, in fact, have a man in her life, even though hours before she said she wasn't involved with anyone.

Jackie said it was all an act with Gavin. But her and Catherine's kisses, hot and instinctual, clearly were not.

Why couldn't everything be simpler? Why couldn't she just fall in love with a easier match? Maybe the girl-next door type, with a regular job and a regular life.

Wait, did I just say love? Catherine knew she was caught too deep in her own head.

Thankfully, her phone started to ring in her pocket. She fished it out and saw who was calling: John, her agent. Not the person who she hoped was calling.

"Hi John," she said flatly, not thrilled to speak to him.

"Catherine my dear! It's good to hear from you, I was starting to think you didn't even make it to Washington!" His enthusiastic tone annoyed her.

He asked her about her time in Chicago, and she briefly described what she had accomplished and what she hoped to accomplish during her time in Washington. He seemed pleased with her professional plan.

"Well, I can tell you dear that your efforts have already been awarded," he started, his voice beaming. "George Copestone, a UCLA department head contacted our publisher today, do you remember him?"

"Yeah, the new guy. Head of the psychology department. I remember speaking with him for a bit."

"You must have left an impression. He wants to buy a class set of your books!"

Catherine couldn't help to smile. This was the best news he's heard from John's mouth yet.

"And he wants to fly you down to LA to do a series of talks to the faculty members before the next semester starts. Can you believe it, Catherine?"

Back to LA? The smile on her face didn't last long. Uneasiness bubbled in the pit of her stomach. No, she didn't believe it.

John ignored her silence, continuing: "This is a great opportunity for you. Copestone said he would pay for your lodgings and your time, but he wants a package rate for the books since he's buying over two hundred. I told him we would negotiate after we got your approval. Please say you'll do it, Catherine."

John was right, this was a fantastic opportunity. Getting her material into a school like UCLA would begin a chain-reaction of schools wanting her books. The funding for her next book would be substantial too.

She had to do it.

"Yes, of course John," Catherine said into the phone. "You're right, this is a really good thing. You can begin negotiation as soon as possible."

"Something tells me you're not as thrilled to find out about this as I was," John pointed out.

Catherine exhaled loudly. "I've got a lot on my mind right now."

"Are you talking about Jacqueline Kirk?"

Catherine's mouth opened in shock. Immediately she thought John was reading her mind across several state lines, but that was impossible.

"That's also something I needed to talk to you about, Catherine," John's tone shifted to a low one.

"What's there to talk about?" She snapped. This can't be happening.

"Have you not been on the internet lately? At first I didn't believe it, I thought it was just another Photoshop scam to get attention, but I believed it once I started getting some calls from some very nosey reporters."

"What did you tell them?"

"Nothing of course," he sounded offended. "Just that I had no information to offer and you and I were not in constant contact. You see? I told you that this might happen. You didn't listen to me."

She sighed. "I honestly don't care what those low-life journalists think of me. I don't have to explain what I decide to do in my own personal time. Just keep giving them no answers. Eventually they'll get tired."

"I disagree with you on that," John said bluntly. "I've been in this business too long to expect the media to let up. But tell me, is it true? Are you seeing her?"

Catherine was at a breaking point. Apparently her annoyed tone did nothing to deter his weird curiosity in her personally life. She squeezed the phone in frustration.

"Christ, John, it's my fucking life and I'll do what I want. Got it?"

"Alright, alright, I got it," he sounded scared now. "Just be careful, okay? Don't ruin this UCLA gig. It means a lot to me too, you know."

"Fine. Call me by the weekend with the details of offer," she pressed "End" on her phone.

Still holding the phone, she pressed the back of her hand against her temple. She had developed a headache over the last several minutes.

Is it true? Are you seeing her? She was now asking herself. Of course the answer was no. Did she want the answer to be different?

She thought of Jackie's face again and the way it lit up when Catherine made her laugh. The way her smile made her heart flutter and her emotional barriers dissipate. She remembered the time and the care Jackie had put into celebrating her birthday, giving her small but meaningful gestures of her affection. Yes, Catherine had fallen in love Jackie. A kind of love that bridged over their age and profession gap.

It was a kind of love that never totally disappeared. One that you never really got over. And Catherine ached to have it back.

The phone started to ring in her hand again. She looked at the display, expecting to see John's name again, but it wasn't.

It was Jackie's number. She didn't even have it logged into her contacts, it was just a LA number, but she had that number memorized. Her heart pounded.

If she picked up the phone, she would prove her opinion on the press to be true. She didn't fucking care what they thought. Would Jackie, though? Catherine supposed if she did, she wouldn't be calling her for the third time.

Let' do this. Let's take the plunge.

She thumbed the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, It's Jackie," her soft voice echoed in Catherine's ears.

"I know."

"You never answered my calls before."

"I know."

"We should talk," she said, sounding worried. "And don't just say 'I know,' okay?"

"Alright, I won't. But what if I told you that I have some good news?"

Jackie sighed; Catherine knowing instinctively that she would be smiling on the other end.

…..

I'm having a lot of fun with this fan-fiction so far! I'm hoping to improve my writing style a bit before I start writing a novel / novella. I think I've made some great improvement, especially when comparing to the first chapter in this fic. What do you think? Is there a part of my writing style that could be improved? Or a part that you really like? I would love your feedback and opinions!


	10. Chapter 10

Here's the next installment! Enjoy!

Chapter 10

After the whole incident with Gavin seeing her and Catherine kiss, Jackie went into hiding. She made sure her front gate was closed this time and didn't open it again for three days. She had tried to call both Gavin and Catherine in a panic, but neither of them picked up their phones. They were both avoiding her.

She hardly had anything in the fridge – she was a terrible cook, after all – but she found an assortment of canned goods in the pantry that were still good. Not that she was hungry anyways. When she could muster up an appetite, she had trouble with the act of chewing and swallowing, thus eating required strict concentration.

Most hours she'd spend curled in a ball, covered in blankets, watching television. She stayed away from any news channels, scared to death that she'd see her own face on it.

After two days of thought she realized that thinking that was ridiculous. No would put that kind of minuscule gossip on daytime TV. The Internet would however, so she didn't dare touch her laptop.

Maria called over a dozen times, and left four voicemails. Clearly something had happened out there, past her gates in the outside world, and Jackie didn't want to know about it. She didn't listen to the messages, but she did had the decency to send Maria a text saying that she was fine and would call her later when she was ready.

It was the day three of her self-imposed seclusion when her phone rang again. She was in the middle of watching How I Met Your Mother and jumped at the sound.

She shuffled to her phone. It was Gavin.

Her thoughts filled with anxiety: He's calling me this time! Should I pick up?

Of course you should. Pick it up! Talk with him!

"Hello?" She answered weakly.

"Jackie! What's up? I'm at your front gate right now. Let me in please?"

Jackie's breath caught in her throat. My god! It was Gavin, and he was here! She looked down at herself, finally realizing the mess that she'd become over the past few days.

"Jackie? Would you please let me in?"

"Y-Yeah. Okay. I'll let you in," she paused, thinking. "Wait, is anyone with you right now?"

"No, don't worry. Maria wishes she was here but I said no to her."

She pushed out the air she was holding in. "Okay. Thanks Gavin, I'll let you in now."

Jackie ended the call and ran to the front where the remote was for the gate. Pressing it, and waiting a few moments while he pulled in, she realized she needed to change her clothes and smooth her hair before he saw her. She closed the gates.

Unlocking the door for Gavin, and then sprinting up the stairs, Jackie was impressed with how quickly she could move considering her lack of mobility during the past three days.

"Hello?" Gavin's voice in the front hallway.

"Hey Gavin, I'll be down in a sec!"

After a few minutes, she descended the stairs, her heart hammering. Gavin was in the kitchen sitting on a barstool. He smiled at her and stood up.

"Look, I brought Thai!" he gestured to the Styrofoam boxes on the counter. "I thought you might like it."

Jackie smiled at him weakly, almost with shame. "Thanks, Gavin. Really."

"I know you need it," He said warmly. "C'mere. I know when a girl needs a hug too."

He was right. She really did need a hug. They gave each other a friendly embrace, with Gavin holding on to her only as long as it was appropriate for a friend to hug another friend. She smelled his nice cologne, and his beard tickled the top of her head.

They separated. "You know that Maria has been worried sick about you."

"I know. She called me a bunch of times," Jackie turned and moved to the cupboard. "Want some coffee?"

"Yeah sure, I'll take some," he said quickly, clearly not done with what he was saying. "She's being doing damage control all week with the press, and she's been all alone while doing it."

Jackie's heart dropped, feeling guilty. "What do they know? What are they saying?"

"They took pictures of you and that Stark woman outside that restaurant. They've made the connection of who she is – or used to be I guess. The prof at Bloomington. You've been in pictures with her before."

"I have. What else do they know?"

"They know that she was fired over those pictures. There were other allegations that she was having affairs with other students… though those haven't been proven. But everyone seems to know that Stark prefers chicks to dicks."

She nodded, not having the energy to laugh at his joke.

"Which means they think you like Stark as much as she likes you."

"Fuck me," she said simply, turning back to the counter.

"I'm sorry."

They sat in silence for a minute while Jackie attempting to pour coffee for them both. Her hands were shaking.

"I hope you like it black, I have no cream," she pushed the mug towards him. He took it, not saying anything. He stared at the surface of the hot liquid as it sloshed back and forth.

"Gavin," she finally had the nerve to ask.

He looked up, staring at her with his bright and intelligent eyes.

"What do you think about all of this?"

"About the bathroom rag press? I think it's none of their Goddamn business who you choose to love."

"No, about me, Gavin. About me."

He smiled at her, pausing to form words.

"I think what I saw a few days ago was the real you. You've always been holding back with people, Jackie. But not to her. Not to that Stark woman."

Jackie's mind flashed back to her and Catherine's kiss. How exquisite that moment was. How tender yet heated her lips were. She shivered.

"I'm sorry I didn't call you back the last few days. I just had to wrap my head around this whole thing…"

"I'm sorry too -"

"No, wait," he closed his eyes and took a breath. "Just let me say this all at once. Yeah, I'll admit, I was a disappointed at first because I liked you and I thought I could get you to like me back. But now I really understand that that's not going to happen. And I'm okay with it? Hear me? I'm okay with it."

"Are you?"

"Yes," he leaned back in his chair. "Yes I am okay with it."

Her heart swelled at his genuine words. She regarded him then, with clear eyes, and saw his honest yet timid nature. Gavin was a sweet and beautiful man. She regretted not being able to be with him (just a little), because she knew one day that he would make a wonderful husband. She had to let him go. She had to tell her the truth.

"What about you? What do you think about all of this?"

"I'm -" The words were momentarily catching in her throat. Like a deep breath, she pushed them out: "I'm gay."

"Well yeah, I kinda got that," he said matter-of-factly. He laughed.

She couldn't help it: she chuckled along side of him.

"What I mean is are you going to tell people?"

"Maybe. I don't know," she said. "I want to be with her."

"Then be with her, Jackie," Gavin looked right at her. "There is no right or wrong way to do this. You could pull a Ellen Page and make an announcement on a podium -"

She shuddered at the thought.

"- or you could do the Jodie Foster and keep everyone guessing forever. In the end, people are just going to have to deal with it. The world will keep on turning, and you'll just have to roll with the punches."

"Yeah. You're right."

"I know I am," he beamed. "And you have great people surrounding you that'll protect you and help you through this."

Feeling so overwhelmed with emotion and love, Jackie stepped towards Gavin, giving him another big hug. He hooted in surprise.

"Thank you Gavin," she said into his shoulder. "You have no idea what this means to me."

He laughed, moving her away from him with his big hands. He looked at the counter.

"No problem. But seriously though, I'm starving. Let's have some Thai!"

…..

Thank you for reading! More to come soon! Please review! I'm a gluten for feedback!


	11. Chapter 11

Here's the next installment! Enjoy!

….

Chapter 11

Six and a half weeks later Catherine was landing in LA. For the first time in a long time, she felt giddy. Excitedly smiling at airport security on her way out, she knew this was behavior she rarely exhibited to strangers. She received her luggage, after patiently waiting, without even as much as a sigh of irritation.

The reason, of course was obvious. Jackie was waiting to pick her up and drive her to her hotel.

Over the past weeks, Jackie and Catherine had spoke almost daily on the phone. Sometimes it was about mundane things, and sometimes it was about the possible activities they would do in LA once Catherine was back. Although Catherine assumed sex would be one of them, they never talked about the romantic depth of their relationship. The phone conversations were merely a means to re-aquatint themselves on a friend level: to talk the way they used to talk to each other, long ago, at Bloomington.

After sending all that time on the phone re-building their relationship, Catherine was ready to see her again in the flesh (and as much flesh as possible was preferred).

She walked through the sliding terminal doors to the pick up lanes and she was met with a wave of dry LA heat. Drudging her suitcase along, she begun to feel sweat droplets form on her brow almost immediately.

She was facing a black sedan with tinted windows. Not Jackie's car.

A honk from a car caught her attention, and her head swiveled to the right. Jackie's convertible sat a few dozen feet just ahead. She trudged across the pavement.

"Hey sweet thing," she smiled, walking up to the passenger door.

Jackie smiled bashfully back, looking as pretty as ever. With her high ponytail and a simple pink blouse that extenuated her breasts, Catherine was pleased to be in the presence of a beautiful woman. Not just a beautiful woman, this was Jacqueline Kirk.

"Throw your stuff in the back seat," Jackie motioned behind her. "Let's hit the road."

"Yes ma'am," Catherine pushed her luggage behind the passenger seat and decided to keep the carry on in her lap. Once in the car, before doing up her seatbelt, she leaned over to Jackie.

She caught her lips before she could protest. It was short but quite sweet. Not long enough to turn serious, but enough to leave them both wanting more.

Catherine pulled away smiling. "Hello."

Jackie smiled, a blush filling her cheeks. She reached up and touched her lips.

"I didn't expect that," she said after a moment.

"I'm full of surprises."

Catherine found her bashfulness endearing. He own lips continued to sting from the contact.

They pulled away from the curb and began their trek into the city to the Hilton Hotel. George Copestone spared no expense with making her feel comfortable in LA. She supposed that if you want to provide a good show for your UCLA colleagues, you better make sure the entertainment was well taken care of. All in all, she was pleased with the offer they had settled on.

"How was your flight?"

"Long. But flying first class does have its advantages."

"Did you sit beside anyone famous?"

"I don't think so. I keep hoping for Bono but it hasn't happened yet."

Jackie laughed. Her laugh was infectious, making Catherine smile back. They met eyes again. Catherine noticed their eye contact this time was much more frequent.

A voice spoke in Catherine's head: If someone loves you, they do things like that. Like make eye contact frequently, or stare longingly. Isn't that right?

Catherine's gaze moved away from Jackie's. To the mirrors unconsciously, as if she was the one driving. Although she wasn't and she had nothing to worry about, she couldn't help to spot the vehicle just outside her blind spot.

She narrowed he eyes, considering the peculiarities of the situation.

"What's wrong?" Jackie asked.

"That black car behind you and to the right: it's the same black car I saw outside the airport before we left."

"Oh, I know. He's been following me for a while."

Catherine was surprised at his boldness. Actually, it infuriated her.

"Why?"

"You know why," Jackie sais calmly. "It's the paps. They want to know why I'm going to the airport."

"What the hell?" Catherine leaned back in her seat, flabbergasted.

"It's alright, Catherine," Jackie let go of the stick to gently press into her hand. "I'm trying not to let it bother me anymore. You shouldn't either."

"Those fuckers need to leave you alone. They have no right to follow you."

"I know. But it'll never stop them. If it's not that guy behind us, than it'll be someone else. As long as you don't engage with them, then they can't do anything to hurt you."

Catherine considered what she said. Her anger subsided, and she realized the tables had turned with Jackie.

"You know what? It's starting to sound like you're accepting this whole fame thing."

Jackie huffed. "And it seems to me that you're starting to understand why I was paranoid all the time."

"You make it sound like you're over it completely."

"Oh I'm not. Not at all yet," Jackie switched lanes and drove across the highway ramp to their exit. "But I've been trying. You were right, you know. At what point do I stop sacrificing my happiness for my privacy? I thought about it a lot over the past few weeks and I realized I wanted to be happier. In my situation, that means I have to stop hiding myself all the time."

"So are you going to come out to the press?"

"No. There is no right or wrong way to do this, you know," she said matter-of-factly. "I decided my way would be more subtle. I'm just going to do what I want, out in the open, instead of holding a press release or whatever."

"Wow, Jackie. I'm impressed."

Jackie blushed a bit, the corner of her lips turning up. She seemed to glow then, glow with a genuine happiness Catherine hadn't seen in years. She was stunning, in multiple ways than one, as the LA sun reflected of her smooth hair.

"Ms. Stark, it sounds as if you've undergone a formidable change in attitude," Catherine quipped in her pseudo professional tone. "Please tell us all, who could've been responsible for such a drastic shift?"

Jackie laughed at her playfulness. Her answer was serious, however.

"You were."

Catherine was struck by her boldness, and knew she was being completely honest. Feelings of acceptance boiled to the forefront of her thoughts, almost so strongly that her vision became blurred. She had gone many years without feeling this way.

The last time she could remember feeling like this was on her birthday, five years ago. The day Jackie had shown her careful attention and the love she so deeply needed. Jackie had forced her to get into a plane and face her fear, and somewhere up in that blue sky, and somewhere in Jackie's blue eyes, Catherine found freedom.

That freedom came with a price, you know. Catherine's logical mind was bringing her back down to earth.

With Jackie's love came a price.

"We're here now," Jackie said softly.

Catherine snapped out of her thoughts and looked ahead of them: it was the marvelous Hilton, towering dozens of stories above them. They pulled onto the brick lane that lead to the front doors and around a sizable fountain.

"They sparred no expense for you, did they?"

"Nope," Catherine said distractedly, checking the mirrors again. The black sedan turned in with them, but slowed down to a crawl to remain an amiable distance.

Jackie stopped in front of the entrance where the concierge and the bellboys waited. A young man in a maroon suit walked up to their car. He seemed to recognize Jackie immediately, judging by his nervous hesitation.

"M-Ma'am? Er, Welcome to the Hilton. Would you like us to take your car for you?"

Jackie turned to Catherine. She smiled shyly "What do you think? Should he take my car?"

Catherine regarded Jackie, who clearly wanted to follow her up to her room. She was almost pouting. Catherine's eyes danced to the mirrors again.

"Hm. You know what? Now might not be the best time." Catherine waved the young man away. "Sorry Jackie, I just need some time to settle in."

Jackie was giving her actually pout now. She looked disappointed. Catherine sighed and reached over, taking her hand.

"It's not you, sweetheart, it's more so the creepy car waiting behind us," she motioned to the mirrors. Catherine gave her fingers a little squeeze and then let go.

"Plus I don't want us to move to fast. Let's just take it easy."

Jackie cocked her eyebrow. "Oh? Are you failing to remember how fast we moved back in Bloomington?"

"There's some things about Bloomington I don't want to remember," she rebutted Jackie's teasing tone. "There are some things I want to do differently now."

Jackie's face fell a bit. She didn't press more. "Okay."

Catherine leaned over and kissed the side of her cheek and opened the door. She took a few moments to pull her luggage out of the back seat, and the bellboys rushed to her aid in a flash of maroon elegance. Breathless she thanked them.

"Call me later?" Jackie asked.

"Of course."

She stood there for a long minute and watched Jackie pull away from the hotel. She felt guilty for not inviting her come up to her room, even though she really wanted to. The black car had honestly creeped her out though, and she was deeply impressed that Jackie seemed indifferent to it.

But was that really the reason why she didn't invite Jackie up?

No. The truth is, she didn't want to seem weak.

Catherine sighed and shook her head. Jackie was morphing and growing, but clearly she was having trouble doing the same. She lifted her chin and looked to see if the black sedan was still sitting by the street.

It was gone.

….

Don't forget to review! Until next time!


	12. Chapter 12

Hey guys! So here's the thing: if you find lesbian sex insulting, it's probably best that you don't read on. Don't say I didn't warn you. You're free to skip to the next chapter. You won't miss anything. Well you will, but too much. Enjoy!

…

CHAPTER 12

Jackie placed her keys down on the counter, apparently a bit to hard. They bounced and slid, hurdling off the other side and onto the floor. She huffed in frustration.

Why had Catherine said no when Jackie asked to come up with her? At the hotel? She seemed so happy to see her at the airport. Jackie had really worked hard at being comfortable expressing her emotion in front of the people watching, including the paparazzi. Shouldn't Catherine be impressed? To have wanted her right then and there?

Perhaps Catherine was genuine when she said that she was nervous with the paparazzi watching. She didn't want the nature of their relationship to be witnessed. But why, outside of the restaurant only several weeks ago, did she seem not to give two fucks about what they thought? No, that couldn't be it at all.

It had to be something else. Maybe it had to do with her. Maybe Jackie had lost her chances at a relationship with Catherine.

Insecurity and panic gripped her. Jackie placed a hand on her chest, then moved it to her eyes, rubbing the tears back in.

That was it then. It was a relationship with Catherine she wanted now, but it was too late. She took to long to figure it all out.

Jackie moved across the kitchen to the liquor cabinet. She reached in, grabbing a bottle of John Walker and a small glass. This was what she needed to calm her nerves.

For a while she sat at the counter, taking sips of her drink in silence. After some time passed, she moved upstairs to her bedroom and to the patio. She sighed and sat on a thick Adirondack chair, watching the city lights glitter below.

How beautiful it all was, from a far distance. The noise of the downtown core, the stress and the emotion at an arms length. When she moved into this large house, she would spend hours oggeling the commotion from the spacious patio. Now a part of her felt like she was missing something. She felt like she was stuck while everyone was out having fun, enjoying life.

She sighed and took another drink. Her fingers were beginning to tingle. If she didn't stop now, in an hour she would be either crying or worse: not caring at all anymore.

She decided to go back inside and clean out her scotch glass, and grab some water. As she rounded down the stairs, she noticed her phone was blinking with a notification. She grabbed it, her heart swelling in excitement. Could it be?

Yes it was. It "was," being the key term. Twenty minutes ago. Three calls missed from C. Stark.

She quickly thumbed the phone to redial, her heart beginning to pound. It picked up on the first ring.

"Catherine! I-I'm sorry, I was out on the patio and didn't get your calls!"

"Hey porcupine, that's alright. I took matters into my own hands," her voice echoed back. It sounded like she was on speakerphone.

"Where are you?"

"Yeah, about that. I'm actually tuning onto your street now."

"You are?" Jackie's body tingled with excitement. It was vibrating in her voice.

"Yes. I am. Can you open up the gate?"

"Er, yeah, of course," Jackie's eyes darted around the room for the remote control. She found it sitting on an end table and quickly snatched it up, pressing the button.

"Oh and Jackie? Don't forget to close it behind you this time." Catherine didn't wait for a response; she hung up immediately.

She murmured out a strained laugh, suddenly realizing how nervous she was. Several weeks ago she would have never guessed that Catherine Stark would be back in her life. Never would have guessed that she would be so willing to take the plunge with her, after years of stifling her lesbianism. This was all happening so fast: the escalation of her feelings cascading like a wave, finally finding it's way back to Catherine. She should have known that this would all happen.

Her nervous excitement quelled when Catherine walked through the door.

My god! She looked amazing it sweats; her blonde hair untouched by the breeze outside. Her eyes were dark and confident. She closed the door quietly behind her.

"I couldn't be away from you tonight," she whispered. A thrill shot through Jackie's body upon hearing her unabridged voice. She couldn't say anything back: suddenly it felt like her tongue had grown three times in size.

Catherine was carrying nothing that she needed to put down. She simply walked towards Jackie and entered her personal space, placing her long and elegant fingers on either side of Jackie's face. It was a gesture both sweet and intense; she held her firmly, as if Jackie might slip away. The feeling was electric.

"Is it okay that I'm here?" She said, inches away. Jackie nodded. "Do you want me?" Jackie nodded again, leaning in.

Their kiss was tantalizing and urgent, not soft and explorative like the one they shared a few weeks ago. Catherine's touch indicated her desire as she moved her hands down to her hips, pulling their pelvises together. Jackie's mind turned to butter as a strong swell of desire heated her core, traveling down quickly to in between her legs. Their tongues touched and danced. Catherine pushed her slowly against the foyer wall, and Jackie was thankful, fearing her knees would collapse soon.

They were both breathing hard now in excitement. There was nothing to stop them from what was about to happen. Jackie's arousal for Catherine was so precise it almost surprised her: if she had any doubts of her lesbianism (which she didn't) they would certainly being eradicated at this very moment.

Catherine's hands slipped up under her t-shirt and onto her warm belly. This elicited a gasp from Jackie.

"Yes," she murmured into her mouth. Catherine moaned back, her hands moving quicker, suddenly seeming to be everywhere, tracing around the outsides of her breasts but not covering them yet. Jackie wasn't wearing a bra and she desperately wanted her nipples to be touched.

Catherine broke their contact for a moment, moving her hands down to her hips again. She looked down at Jackie, breathing fast. Jackie moved in to kiss her again, to continue, but she moved away again, keeping eye contact. She was teasing.

"Bedroom." She said simply. It wasn't a question.

Jackie, still trembling, led Catherine by the hand and ascended the staircase. They weren't quite running, but they both moved with a purpose.

Inside the bedroom Catherine took charge once again. She hitched the smaller woman onto the bed and climbed on top of her, balancing on her knees to avoid full body contact. Her strong hands – oh God! How Jackie had dreamt about those hands! – pushed her back into the bed and began undoing her pajama blouse. She leaned in simultaneously and planted firm kisses down her collarbone.

By now Jackie was a steamy mess. She bit her lip to avoid making noise, knowing full well that she couldn't stay quiet forever. She had waited too long for this. She squirmed underneath the woman's touch. Her body was hot and pent up and filled with lava, shaking with desire.

Catherine's mouth moved up to her ear, and she heard her quick breath with acute clarity. At the same time she finally cupped her breasts, fully at first, squeezing them gently and causing sharp pulsing sensation between Jackie's legs. She finally let go a cry and arched her back, pushing her chest into Catherine's palms. Pressing her full weight on her, she squeezed her breasts again – harder this time – and let her hard nipples slip and move in-between her long fingers. It was electric.

Jackie was on the verge of exploding. She couldn't wait. She couldn't drag this out. She reached up and grabbed one of Catherine's hands, moving in between their bodies. Catherine leaned up, and hovered over her face, making full eye contact. She rolled her hips against hers and Jackie moaned again.

"Oh God. Please Catherine," her head leaned back and her eyelids closed. "Please Catherine, hurry." She continued to push hand down until it slipped beneath her waistband and into her panties. She let go of Catherine's hand and placed it back up on her shoulders, holding on for dear life.

Catherine got the hint. She first tugged at the waistband, moving Jackie's pants and panties down half a foot, making more room. She then placed her hand on the inside of her hot thigh, dangerously close to her wetness. She paused, moving her lips to Jackie's ear.

"Do you want this?"

"Yes."

"Do you want me?" She had repeated the same question from earlier.

Catherine moved her hand up and ran a long finger along the crevasses of her folds. It was gentle, but sent a shock vibrating through Jackie. They moved slowly back and forth.

"Tell me," she whispered. She placed a kiss against her ear. "You're so wet."

Jackie moaned as a response and bucked her hips against Catherine's hand. She couldn't make words. She couldn't take it any longer. Seeming to sense this, she finally pushed her fingers into Jackie, slowly, and completely, resting her palm on her clit. Jackie's nails dug into her shoulders. She felt a little pain at first, at the beginning, but she liked it. It had been so long, but her desire was at a critical stage, and she didn't care how fast they moved.

Catherine's other hand released her nipple and balanced itself on the bed. She leaned down and captured a stiff nipple in her mouth. This sensation was warmer and wetter and fiercer. She began to slowly move her fingers in and out of Jackie's sex, taking great effort to stroke her clit rhythmically while devouring her nipple.

Jackie arched her back and with one had grabbed Catherine's hair, and with the other hand gripped the tussled bed sheets, gasping hopelessly. Catherine's hand moved slowly as first and then sped up, fingers seeming to curl and apply pressure onto Jackie's G-Spot. She moved faster and faster. Jackie's ears were ringing and her body pulsed and reached higher and higher: until the biggest, and the final, wave crashed down in a crescendo. Her orgasm shook her body and she screamed, releasing her lava onto Catherine's hands. She was panting, and held the woman's cheek against her own, coming down from her high. She realized her feet and fingers were numb, as if there was no more extra blood left in her body to attend to them.

Incredible. Better than incredible.

Catherine was kissing her on the side of the face, on the ear, on the soft spot between her chin and neck. They were reassuring and patient.

Jackie's eyes fluttered open and she realized with embarrassment that Catherine was still fully clothed. They were both panting. Catherine leaned up and stared into her blue eyes, running her thumb against her cheekbone.

"It's okay," she whispered, seeming to understand Jackie's thoughts. She kissed her again on the mouth, slowly, lovingly, tongue pressing against hers. Her leg shoved in-between Jackie's legs, causing her arousal to spike again.

Catherine sat up, still rocking their hips together. While erect, she crossed her arms across her own torso and began lifting her shirt up.

"It's my turn," she said with a husky voice, pulling the shirt over her head and revealing her plump chest with stiff centers. Jackie groaned, suddenly wanting to grab them, the way hers had been grabbed. She wasn't done yet.

"Are you ready for more?"

"Yes," Jackie said with confidence, reaching up and taking her.

They continued for a while. The night was long and hot. They slowed down and enjoyed every second, until their energies were depleted and they collapsed hours later. The moon shone through the window as their witness, illuminating their sweaty bodies until dawn threatened at its edges.

…..

Woah! Steamy maybe? That was my first sex scene I've ever wrote. Like actually haha. Did you like it? ;). The story's not over though, so please keep reading!


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Catherine slept dreamless for the night, which was more than she could have said she's done in weeks. Perhaps even months. She was very active in her sleep and often dreamt of a variety of situations ranging from sexual encounters with women to terrible nightmares involving plane crashes. Sometimes she would remember them, and sometimes not. Sometimes Jackie would be in them. And more often than not she'd remember the ones involving Jackie with vivid clarity.

Now, lying still in Jackie's bed, her emotions were at bay, at least until she fluttered her eyes open at noticed that Jackie wasn't beside her anymore.

"Jackie?" She murmured, pawing sluggishly at the spot beside her. She noticed the bathroom light wasn't on, and she could also see no light creeping in from the hallway. Where was she?

Her heart started to pound, and her sleepy vision cleared immediately. She knew Jackie had a habit of doing this, but here in her own home too? She swung her feet out if bed and approached the entrance to the bedroom.

"Jackie?" She called a bit louder this time. No response came back. Familiar feelings of pain were creeping back up from her long-buried memories.

A sound of a sliding door opening came from behind her. Catherine spun around and saw Jackie stepping back in from the master bedroom porch. She wore a white robe, which was unfastened, and in the darkness Catherine could see her bronzed and naked skin.

"Hey, I'm right here," Jackie said, moving to her side. She snaked her hand around her waist and kissed her. She leaned back, sensing Catherine's disturbance.

"Are you okay?"

Catherine sighed and leaned her forehead against Jackie's. "Yeah. I just thought… I just thought you had left."

Jackie's face twisted momentarily into something Catherine couldn't quite read in the darkness. Sadness and guilt? Or maybe just pity?

"No. I'm not going anywhere. Not this time," she kissed her again reassuringly. She took her by the hand back to bed, where she removed her robe and pulled Catherine close to her. They lay together for a while, with Jackie's face nuzzled against her collarbone. Nothing sexual transpired, only a feeling of closeness and genuine affection. Something they both needed.

…

Catherine was in town for nine days, seven of which she would be spending on the campus of UCLA. She expected them to be long days. In the morning after their rendezvous together, she and Jackie agreed that Catherine would not cancel her hotel reservation to avoid suspicion, as they both knew they would be spending every night together at Jackie's.

And they did.

The first three nights were passionate, and they didn't do much talking. They ordered in food, when they could spare a few minutes to hold the phone instead of each other. Catherine supposed she had more orgasms in those thee days than she had had in the past year.

The fourth night followed a stressful day for Catherine, and she just wanted to de-stress and relax with a strong drink. Walking through the door (to which she had the spare key for now), she announced her presence and Jackie already had a glass of wine ready for her.

"Wow, you're really on point today, Porcupine," Catherine put down her bag on the counter and walked over the Jackie. Kissing her, she took the wine glass from her and took a sip. She groaned with pleasure.

"Mm, French Merlot, my favorite," she said, now wiggling out of her blazer. "Please, tell me, how did you know I needed this?"

Jackie smiled sweetly, her dimples creasing in a pleasant way. "I knew something was up when you weren't sending me sexy texts like every ten minutes. Plus you were late coming back."

"You are a gem." Catherine kissed her again, staining both their lips with the merlot.

"I put a casserole in the oven for us later. It's vegetarian with lots of broccoli and goat cheese," she said, watching Catherine's expression. "Don't look at me like that! I can cook you know, I just have to follow recipes. This was a easy one I found online, and it looks really good."

Catherine laughed. "I'm just teasing. It smells great. I can't wait to try it."

Jackie was clearly thrilled with that answer and Catherine's heart swelled watching her face light up. She noted how happy she felt right then and there, standing in Jackie's kitchen.

"I could get used to this again, you know," her voice became serious.

"What, me cooking?"

"No not that. Well yes, that of course. But more so this whole situation."

Jackie regarded her. "What? You mean my domesticity? You know I have a career, right?"

Catherine chuckled. "I know, that's not what I meant either. I mean like this whole… you and me thing."

"Oh. Yeah," Jackie looked down. "I do too. It's really nice having you around. It makes me feel good."

"Maybe too good?"

"No. Maybe it was too good at one point, like five years ago, but it's not now. I'm not afraid of it now."

"I like that you aren't afraid."

"See? I have changed. It's all good change."

"Yeah but it took a little push," Catherine teased, playfully bumping her shoulder with hers.

"So what do we do now? About us?"

Catherine considered this. "Well we can start by having a little wine… then we can eat dinner on the porch maybe later…"

"No I mean about after your UCLA gig. After you're done in LA next week."

Catherine sighed, wishing that Jackie wouldn't press on with this line of questioning. The thought of her answer carefully.

"I don't think I'm going to be completely done with LA anytime soon, Jackie, to be honest. But let's just enjoy each other's company for now, until I go back to New York week. Then we can figure out what to do next."

"Well, wouldn't it just be easier if you stayed?" Jackie said weakly. How ironic it was to have reversed positions, years after Jackie had left her for LA. If Catherine were feeling resentful, it would be so easy to inflict pain on her by brining up these memories. But she didn't feel resentment anymore. Maybe a bit of unease, but not any resentment. She reached over to Jackie and tugged affectionately at her wavy hair, running her fingers through the tips.

"Jackie, I'm glad you are ready for this. For us. But I still have a life in New York, and I don't want to jump into anything too fast," she said quietly, still touching Jackie. "Only a few weeks ago you were terrified to even be seen out with me. And what you're proposing is more serious than that. I want to see if you'll follow through."

Jackie leaned away from her, giving her a speculative glance. "'Follow through?' Really? Do you think I'll change my mind?"

Catherine didn't say anything. She didn't know if Jackie would change her mind or not. Her silence indicated "yes." But was that answer was coming from her own insecurities? Also a "yes." She expected Jackie to be angry with her.

"Well I won't," she said stubbornly, not as upset as expected. She leaned in and set her forehead on Catherine's shoulder, hiding her face. Catherine wrapped her arms around her, still weaving her fingers in her hair. She smelled wonderful.

"I won't…" she repeated against her skin.

Catherine wished she were right. Hoped to God she was right. Because, although she wouldn't admit it, Jackie's dismissal would hurt much more now than it did before. And she was getting to old for these kinds of games. There was more to lose now.

So much to gain, but so much to lose. Catherine hoped Jackie was telling the truth.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

After Catherine left LA Jackie knew she'd have to find something to do to fill her time. Otherwise, their tearful departure from each other would continue to play over and over in her mind, driving her crazy. The time they spent together was so wonderful and passionate that Jackie had a hard time letting Catherine go.

So she continued dutifully to investigate her next pending project with ShadowBox studios. ShadowBox was an up and coming production company that just landed a enormous amount of money to produce a film based on a best-selling young adult novel. Jackie had never read it, but apparently it was a fantasy-adventure that teemed with warriors, witches, and warlocks. The next Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, maybe.

Although she wasn't sold on the plot, she knew that the role would further advance her career. Not to mention the cool outfits that she would get to wear. She knew she was already a shoe-in for the roll – in fact, she had the sense that they were begging for her to join the all-star cast. Because when she found herself sitting in a plush chair, in the producer's boardroom, she found it was not like an audition at all.

"This movie will be the blockbuster of the summer! A masterpiece! I can see it cleaning up at the Academy Awards too!" The enthusiastic productions coordinator exclaimed, waving his hands over his head. The length of his mustache was almost comical. Sitting bedside him, on either side, was the casting director and assistant director. Jackie thought it was rude for the director not to show up, instead to just send his assistant.

"Can you image being apart of this magic, Jackie? You'll never get another opportunity to do something like this!"

Somehow she doubted that. Sweat was dripping down his exuberant face. He exhaled a long-winded breath and casually pushed some papers over to her side of the table.

"This is what were are prepared to offer you. Obviously this will be a long project, taking at least 14 months of commitment. We need to do on-set filming, green screen work, and audio work in our studio we're building. This project is a labor of love. Think of the satisfaction you'll get once it's all done!"

Jackie leaned over and looked at the amount. It was high. In fact, it was the highest offer she had ever received in her career thus far. It was very tempting, and she tried to not let it show.

"Do you have the final draft of the script yet? Noticed that my character underwent some troubling changes between the first and second draft." She asked casually.

"Er, yes, you mentioned that before. I saw the notes. I assure you there will be not much more change in your character, Jackie. The final draft is being held until the cast list is set in stone." He wiped his forehead and placed both palms on the table. "But I assure you, once again, that ShadowBox will give you everything you need to comfortably learn and play your roll. The studio in Christchurch will basically be like a five-star resort for all of you."

Jackie considered his answer, furrowing her brow. "Christchurch? Where's that? I though we were filming in Oregon?"

"Oh no, that was changed," he said matter-of-factly. "Oregon is too expensive for what we need. Not to mention the by-laws that prevent us from doing what we need to do. New Zealand is the best choice, and it has been historically for films like this."

"New Zealand?" Jackie spat out. Her surprise was not something she could conceal.

"Well of course. Think about Lord of the Rings, or hell, even Xena Warrior Princess! New Zealand is so beautiful that it'll up the production value while not even turning a penny. Have you ever been there before?"

"Well no, because it's like a fourteen hour flight, isn't it?"

"Twelve, sometimes shorter," he corrected her. As if it made a difference. "And with this sum we are offering you, you could easily afford your own private jet currier…"

He blabbed on for a bit, but Jackie had already tuned him out. She leaned back in her chair, defeated. Fourteen months? In New Zealand? It was so far away from home.

Catherine rose to her thoughts immediately. What would Catherine think? Would she come and visit her in New Zealand? Was their budding relationship even that strong, after everything that's had happened between them in the past?

She looked at the unsigned contract sitting in front of her. She needed to think about this. She needed to talk to someone else about it.

"So Jackie, can you see now why this is the opportunity of a lifetime for you? What do you say? Will you take the plunge with ShadowBox?" He smiled and held his hands out, palms facing up. When she didn't respond right away, his face visibly fell.

She stood abruptly, then was surprised when the three men followed suit, chair squeaking against the floor. They were trying to be polite.

"Er… I need to think about this still. I need… to consider this change," Jackie swallowed hard and tried her best to smile. "Thank you all for inviting me today, it's been a real… eye opener."

"But – is there anything I can do? For you?" He pushed the paper towards her again.

"No. Just give me some time. Thank you." She turned on her heal and left the office, embarrassed that she'd been to cowardly to shake everyone's hands.

Maria was by her side immediately when she whisked out of the door and into the hallway. Maria wanted to be in there with her, but the productions coordinator insisted that they just speak to Jackie. Now Maria looked confused, pushing long strands of brown hair out of her face as she rushed to keep up with Jackie.

"Honey, what happened?"

Jackie kept her pace, heading out the back door to the parking lot. She hadn't had the conversation with her about Catherine yet. But she knew it was about to happen. When they stepped out onto the concrete, sun hitting their faces and blinding them, Jackie stopped and huffed loudly.

"Maria, they want to film it in New Zealand."

"What? Not Oregon?" She fished into her purse and pulled out a pair of large sunglasses.

"No. So I don't know what to do now. It looks like an interesting project but it's so far away you know?"

Maria sighed, exasperated. Jackie knew that Maria really wanted her to join the cast; it would do them both a lot of good financially.

"Jacqueline you are so young though. Young and free! It's going to take about fourteen months or so, and then you'll be back home in California. Usted es tan joven! Think about what this role could do for you."

Jackie bit her lip, thinking. Maria raised an eyebrow over her glasses.

"What's wrong honey? There is clearly something else on your mind. Maria can tell."

She put a palm on her forehead, rubbing her temples. "Yeah, there is. I guess there is."

"It's about that Stark woman, isn't it?"

Of course Maria knew. She was the one who had to answer to the press, after all. While Jackie had secluded herself away. She felt guilty immediately and ashamed for not being there to help.

"Yeah, it is. And I'm sorry for not being around for all that. I know we haven't really talked about it."

"You haven't been around at all, missy. You disappeared." She eyed her, crossing her arms. "You know, I really wanted to smack you when you didn't return all my calls. But then I realized it must have been really serious for you. You've never acted like this before."

"I know. I felt screwed up. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize anymore. Just answer this: what is going on with you and her?"

As with Gavin, it was hard formulating words when breaching this subject. Maria waited patiently for her answer.

"I – I'm seeing her. Again."

"'Seeing her?' Like how lesbians would?"

Jackie cringed at the word. She knew Maria was an upfront person and wasn't afraid to ask what was on her mind. Unlike Gavin, however, she didn't feel as comfortable discussing this. It might have had something to do with the blistering heat and the sun that hurt her eyes.

"Yes."

"So the rumors are true. You've seen this woman before, too."

"Yes."

"But you were just a child when you were in Bloomington! And she – a professor!"

"I know. But I've always been mature for my age, you know that."

"Yes, but still!" Maria took a moment to de-escalate herself: she was getting worked up. "It's just that I don't know what's more surprising: you being with a woman or you being with someone who's much older than you. It's all just a lot to take in."

"I know it is. I – I just really need your support in all this, Maria. I really like her. Catherine – I want to be with her. And I almost did, five years ago, but I chose my acting career over her."

"But you were just a child five years ago! You wouldn't be ready for any of that anyways!"

"I wasn't just a child though. What happened between us was very real, and I was the one who initiated it. It was my fault. That doesn't matter anyways. What matters is what's going on right now."

Maria looked at her for a long moment. Jackie honestly had no idea what she was going to say. She didn't seem to be taking this as well as she hoped.

"Okay. But answer one more question for me."

"Okay. Go ahead."

"Does she treat you right, Jackie? ¿Ella te ama?" Her voice had softened.

Jackie smiled, and Maria leaned over and put her hand affectionately on Jackie's arm.

"Yes."

She sighed again and removed her hand. "Then you must ask yourself: will she love you enough to let you play this role?"

Jackie bit her lip, thinking. "I don't know."

"And ask yourself this: do you really want to stay in America for this woman, or do you want to leave to play the role of a lifetime?"

"Don't be over dramatic. There will be other roles that come up for me."

Maria smirked. "Maybe. Maybe not."

Jackie was silent. Maria had been in this industry long enough to know the good and bad things that could happen to a professional actor. It would be foolish of her to challenge Maria considering her lack of experience. She respected the woman, after all. Jackie shifted her weight awkwardly from one foot to the next.

"Do me a favor then then?" Maria asked. Jackie nodded back, urging her on. "Think about this whole thing. I'll contact ShadowBox and say you were feeling ill and couldn't make a decision today. It was wrong of them to put pressure on you like that anyways."

"Thanks Maria. For everything."

"Don't thank me yet. We'll see what the production team says first."

Jackie chuckled. "I'm sure everything will work out."

They said their goodbyes and Jackie trudged through the heat towards her convertible. During her walk (which seemed to take forever), she considered what Maria had asked. Although Jackie knew she was willing to forgo this opportunity to stay in California, alternatively, would Catherine stop loving her if she decided to go to New Zealand after all? Did a weird double standard exist within their budding relationship? She needed more time to think about this.


	15. Chapter 15

Hello fellow readers! Let me start by apologizing profusely for leaving this short story for the last several months. It's not that I haven't been thinking about it – I have! But I have been engrossed in writing my first novel, which is almost done, and I regret to admit "I Can't Shake You" has been simmering on the back burner. But don't worry – I always finish my stores!

Chapter 15

Traveling back to New York was an effective way to burst Catherine's heavy bubble of romantic bliss. Images of the lazy California streets were eradicated by obnoxious yellow cabbies and heavy brick buildings instead of palm trees. There was a different mindset in New York, a different way of being, and it helped Catherine examine her affair with Jackie with suspicious scrutiny.

In truth, the easygoing and warm sun of LA coxed her into feeling at ease with Jackie. Lazing on Jackie's expansive porch and drinking local wine until they were too excited to stay away from the bedroom intoxicated Catherine into thinking that what they had could last forever.

Now back in New York, the city of images, she saw Jackie from the stance she was hardly comfortable at: the spectator looking at posters, billboards, and magazines of Jacqueline Kirk. It almost seemed that Catherine had dreamt all of LA, and had just now awoken in the middle of Times Square.

They kept up their phone conversations every few days. However, they seemed superficial, both of them dancing around what they really needed to talk about. Catherine's pride prevented her from opening up, and she assumed Jackie's unwillingness to commit prevented her from doing the same.

But was that assumption really correct? Had Jackie not more or less told her that she wanted to commit only a week ago? Her domesticity and the way she doted on Catherine suggested that she did, although she never vocalized it.

Instead of talking to Jackie about all this she cracked one day and bought a glossy issue of US Weekly with Jackie's face on the front. It was almost as if she had no control over herself: one second she was walking down fifth texting John about their next meeting and the next she was handing folded dollars to the magazine trolley guy.

"Have a nice day, lady," the old man sneered, showing a mouth full of broken teeth as he handed her change.

"Jacqueline Kirk Unsure of Her Next Major Roll: Is There a Woman to Blame?"

The title frightened her, especially when she held a copy of the story in her hands. Normally she would completely ignore these titles, but now she felt like a moth to the flame, flipping through as quickly as she could to the article. There, on page 23, was a large picture of her and Jackie exiting the restaurant they went to in LA. Meanwhile, Catherine was sitting on a bench facing the busy fifth avenue yet still feeling very alone.

"Jacqueline Kirk, 25, is having serious doubts about playing her next roll in 'Knights of the Wooden Palace,' according to a trusted source. The confirmed all-star cast of this novel adaptation is predicted to hit theaters two years from now, and already fans are anticipating its release. But Kirk, according to our source, has been avoiding confirming her offered roll of one of the film's key characters, since it has been scheduled to film in New Zealand. Over the past several months Kirk has been sighted with a mysterious romantic interest around LA, and one might assume that she might not want the role because of it. Kirk neither has personally confirmed nor denied these rumors. Could she be finally settling down with the woman of her dreams?"

Once she was done reading, Catherine rolled the booklet up and squeezed it between her hands. For such a short article, she regretted spending the cash for such a lousy rag. What was wrong with her?

But she knew exactly what was. She didn't want to allow herself to feel it, but she did. A horrible feeling of despair in the pit of her stomach.

Jackie had never mentioned this role in New Zealand to Catherine. Not once. She'd mentioned that she was auditioning for a big roll, but not that she had already received the part and was in the process of considering it. Likely Jackie had already decided to go to New Zealand, but didn't have the courage to mention it to her in person. The true reality of Jackie and Catherine's impossible relationship rushed to the front of her mind.

Yes. That must have been it. Catherine unrolled the magazine, flipped back to page 23 again and looked at the picture of both of them. That was a great day: the hot California sun and Jackie's warm laughter. It was great up the exact moment this picture was snapped, anyways.

Catherine was surprised by the tears that welled up in her eyes. When was the last time she'd cried? During Bloomington? Just after Bloomington? Perhaps even longer than that. Maybe even as far back as her parent's funeral service.

Catherine took a deep breath, shoved the tabloid deep into her purse, and started to walk North on Fifth, all while focusing on keeping her emotions at bay.

…

It happened when she was lying in bed, preparing for what she knew would be a terrible sleep. A cool breeze pushed through the open window and grazed her face in the darkness. Outside a siren could be heard from a distance, echoing down the long streets. New York was always alive, no matter what time of day.

A thought was finally dawning on her. If she wanted Jackie, she would have to stop holding back from Jackie emotionally and tell her what she really wants. Which was a committed relationship. It was so hard to actually say it in her thoughts, rather than just fantasizing scenarios of sharing a life with Jackie.

It was pretty simple concept. Pretty fucking simple, yet Catherine couldn't seem to bring herself to announce it to Jackie out loud. She was holding back from Jackie, and had been since she's re-entered her life. For fear of getting hurt again.

It was not illogical for her to fear getting hurt by Jackie. She had been hurt by her before, several years ago at Bloomington, when Jackie chose her career over what they could have had together. Once Catherine had suspected that Jackie would leave, she had shut down emotionally, pushing her away faster.

She would never forget Jackie's pained face, crumpled with confusion and sorrow, when Catherine said, "Well maybe you're not worth it." How immature of her, being a woman many years older than Jackie. Her fear had transgressed into scorn. Catherine wondered how Jackie's mature face would contort when she said the same thing to her now. Her beautiful face twisting into something uglier; dimples disappearing and eyes growing small.

Catherine realized, while lying in her bed, listening to the low rumble of Manhattan outside her window, she was about to make that same mistake now as she had many years ago.

No. Not this time.

Her heart started to pound. Now was her chance to change her future.

Catherine sat up abruptly and looked at the clock. Eleven-ten. Not too late yet. She leaned over, turning on the light, rubbed her eyes, and grabbed her cell phone. She thumbed it carefully, with intention, with no second-guessing. This was it.

A everlasting ring tine. Catherine held her breath.

"Er… Hello?"

"John. It's me Catherine."

His voice was thick and heavy. Was he tired, or drunk?

"I know it's you Catherine. I have caller ID. And what the hell are you doing calling me so late?"

She sneered. "Oh, so it's okay for you to call me at all hours, but when I need to talk to you, I can't?"

"But… it's past eleven!"

"And what about all those times you've called me past midnight?" She was right, he had a tendency to save work to the last minute. She had been patient with him before, but now her patience was up.

"Catherine, those times were work related."

"And so is this" she said, pausing for a moment and gathering her words. She spoke them slowly.

"I am leaving for L.A. For good this time. And there I will find a new agent."

"What?"

"I am relocating to California. I need more sunshine in my life. This project we are working on now will be our last. We can continue correspondence through Email."

He paused, letting the words sink in. His voice was low and shaky. "You can't be serious."

"Oh, I am. Come on, John. We both know professional medical publications aren't your specialty. You need to work more on… popular fiction." She smiled and twisted the ends of her lose hair between her fingers.

"So, what? Is that really it?"

"Um, yeah. Didn't you just hear what I said?"

He pushed out a breath of air that rattled through the receiver of the phone. Boy, he was angry. Catherine was loving it.

"You fucking bitch. Jacqueline Kirk can have you."

"You know what else I need in my life, John? Privacy. Something that I hear a lot of L.A. agents value. That's something that you don't," she said, her tone becoming serious. "On that note, if I ever hear you speak Jacqueline's name and mine together – in person or in print – than I will sue your ass until next Tuesday. That's how much I value privacy."

"Go to hell."

"Sure. Once I get there, I'll let you know the weather, so you can dress appropriately." She hung up the phone and snickered. Boy, did that feel good.

She sat for a moment, clearing her head and planning her next move.

Reaching over and picking up the phone again, she began to make a series of less-exciting, but still important calls. After all, in was only eight o'clock in Los Angeles.


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

Jackie stood on her bedroom patio after a quick lunch, marveling at the amazing city nestled below her. How beautiful the weather had been the past month, and for a moment Jackie wished she had spent more time at the beach instead of at home.

The vivaciousness of it all – the eclectic people, the colorful buildings, and the wide and palmed roads – all trademarks of a wonderful city she knew she could always call home.

And all these of these things, combined with her increasing self confidence, had Jackie seriously doubting leaving to go to New Zealand. I mean, the role was a good opportunity, but did she really want disturb the positive development in her personal life?

Poor Maria; she had been calling Jackie again and again asking her if she had made a decision or not about the role. And again and again – she had kept putting off giving her an answer.

Jackie just didn't know yet. She didn't know what to do.

She tapped her fingers repeatedly on the white railing, thinking.

There was still one unanswered question.

"Catherine," she said to herself.

Yes. Catherine. The fiercely independent and brilliant woman she still harbored feelings for.

"Catherine," she said again, this time a faint whisper.

How wonderful it would it be, if they could both be together, in a serious relationship? But Jackie wasn't sure if that was possible. Catherine was a hard woman and it was quite possible that she could never forgive her for what she did, all those years ago.

And if that was so, what the heck was the point in staying in L.A? Jackie doubted that all the color she could see in its skies would stay once Catherine Stark evaporated from her life. She'd rather pack her bags and leave for New Zealand if that was the case.

So here she was, standing on her clean balcony, looking out at her expensive view, knowing full well that she had placed all the wealth in the world on a relationship that may have been doomed from the beginning.

"What a shit-show," she muttered, shaking her head.

From inside, an incessant buzzing reached her ears. Her cell phone.

Hoping it was Catherine again, she rushed inside, and even though likely it was not.

She was right. The number was unknown.

"Hello?"

"Good afternoon, is this miss Jacqueline Kirk?"

Although the male's voice was warm and friendly, she was immediately skeptical of the caller's intentions.

"Er… yes, this is she. Can I ask who's calling?"

"Of course! It's Robert Pozzuoli, calling from New York City. I apologize for cold calling you like this, Miss Kirk, but I told Maria it was the only way I could get my point across soon enough."

Jackie stopped to think for a moment. Then an exited realization washed through her mind.

"Wait, you're Robert Pozzuoli, like from 'Greener Pastures?'"

"The director and writer, yes, that is indeed me."

"Oh my God!" She almost squealed into receiver. The thought she may had recognized his voice - Robert Pozzuoli had wrote and directed some of her favorite movies. He had been in the industry for so long, and although they were both relatively well known, they had never crossed professional paths.

He chuckled, his voice smooth and confident. "Why are you so surprised that I'm calling you?"

"It's just that… well you are such an amazing director Mr. Pozzuoli, I would have never thought…"

"That I'd eventually call such a talented woman such as yourself? Please, have faith. And you can call me Rob."

"Er, okay. Rob."

He laughed at her nervousness again, in a good-natured way, and Jackie was too star-struck to know what to say. Or where to start? She had so many good things to say about all of his work.

"The reason why I'm calling you is that I keep hearing about your next roll, you know, the one called 'Knights of the Wooden Palace?'"

"I haven't confirmed that yet," she said quickly.

"Oh," he said, surprised. "Well that is very good news, indeed. I wasn't sure if you were withholding from the press or not."

"Everyone keeps asking me about it, and it's true – I haven't agreed to work ShadowBox yet."

"Hm, and I wonder why," he said distantly, in a tone that Jackie knew she didn't have to answer. She felt at ease with this familiar, yet dually mysterious man.

"Miss Kirk, I must admit, I have called you with the intention to change your mind about 'Knights of the Wooden Palace."

"You can call me Jackie."

"Alright then. Jackie, my dear, I don't think you should do this film."

"Why?"

"Because I think you should meet with me first. I am coming to L.A. to work on a film with Universal, and I have a feeling you might be right for this character of mine."

"Your character?"

"Of course. I wrote the screenplay, of course. It's a Pozzuoli original."

"Wow. Gosh… I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything yet. If you are interested, I would like to meet with you tomorrow evening at Universal, and go over the idea in person. I'm not making any guarantees this will work, but I think we owe it to the both of ourselves to try. And like I said, I have a feeling about you."

Jackie felt delirious that Robert Pozzuoli was speaking to her in this way. There was actually a chance that she would have the opportunity to work with an artist she'd always admired. She couldn't say no.

"Okay. What time?"

He laughed again, filling the earpiece. "That didn't take much convincing. I'm pleased to hear that. Let me see if my flight will come in on time to L.A.X. and then I'll give you another call by noon tomorrow."

"Thank you so much Mister Pozzuoli… I mean Rob… This means a lot. I'll be waiting for you tomorrow."

They ended the call politely and Jackie was careful to press the end button completely before she let out a squeal of delight. Then, quickly, after several deep breaths, she pounded in Maria's number.

She definitely had some explaining to do.

By ten o'clock in the evening, the following day, Jackie was Robert Pozzuoli's leading actress for his upcoming film.

It was a natural unfolding, so much so that despite her quick decision, it felt like it was fate that brought them both together. The project was, of course, going to be fully funded by Universal, but it wasn't going to be an action-adventure. It was going to be a family drama co-staring a handful of other serious actors. It was the perfect roll for her.

No papers were signed yet, although it was already set in stone after a full evening of scotch, laughter, and honest discussion. Robert Pozzuoli – Rob – was even nicer in person. He reminded her so much of Mark, and thinking about him now was brining tears to her eyes.

But that was such a long time ago.

While standing in her kitchen, Jackie swallowed the emotion that fell behind the lingering cloud of alcohol that still invaded her brain.

That was likely the reason why the idea to call Catherine popped into her mind. To connect with someone she still loved, someone who was once buried in her past.

She picked up the phone and dialed Catherine's number. What time was it again in New York? She couldn't do the math.

It went right to voicemail.

"Hm," she said out loud. He voice echoed in the kitchen.

She called again. Still no answer. Right to voicemail.

Too bad. Jackie really wanted to share the exciting news to her. And to hear her velvety voice whisper in her ear. She desired her touch even more, of course, but that was something she couldn't have right now.

Or was it?

Another idea popped into her head. A crazy one, but since money was no object for her, it was a plausible idea none-the-less.

Jackie ran upstairs, not bothering to take her light jacket off. She pulled her luggage out from the walk-in closet and laid it flat on the floor.

Then, she called Maria.

"Jackie! What are you doing calling this late?"

"I'm sorry Maria, I just had to call you to let you know what's going on!"

Maria's voice was groggy and confused. "About your meeting with Mister Pozzuoli?"

"Oh yeah, and that. It went amazingly well - you have no idea. But I'm calling to tell you I have to cancel our lunch meeting tomorrow."

"Why?"

"Because I'm going to New York!"

"What?"

"I know, crazy, huh?" She laughed giddily, taking amusement in herself. She took big breath in and steadied her voice. "But honestly tell me, Maria, how quickly do you think I can get a flight there?"

"You can't be serious."

"I am!"

She sighed loudly. "You're a crazy girl. La chica loca."

"I'm crazy in love, that's for sure. Please, Maria, I need your help."

Maria made her wait as she took in her words, and then responded with a tone of amusement.

"Okay. I'll help you do this. You may be crazy, but love is something I can never say no to."


End file.
